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Monday, October 31, 2011

Day 137 & 138

for Saturday, October 29

I'm grateful for a great, if far-flung, group of friends from all sorts of places and experiences: high school in Germany, study abroad in Grenoble, college in Seattle, and the great friends those friends have brought to my life.

for Sunday, October 30



I am so profoundly grateful for my Grandma Frieda. She is one of the kindest people I've ever known. She is really really patient (and thus a role model for me, as patience doesn't come naturally to me), and she is always looking to the positive side of things, always reaching out with something funny or joyful or kind to encourage and let you know she's thinking of you & loves you. I don't know many people who love like she does, and the world is a better place because of her. I am so proud - and lucky - to be her granddaughter.

Friday, October 28, 2011

Day 136: Maegan




So grateful that Maegan ended up on the other side of a mini-divider desk at the Getty. Happy birthday, my beautiful, awesome friend.

Thursday, October 27, 2011

Day 135: Vistas



I love seeing mountains, even if it's from the parking garage every morning when I get to work.



Dance studio off Pico, at night, from the outside. Dancers fly in a field of light.

Found wisdom

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Day 134: Fennel



I love fennel (which is funny because I don't like anise or black licorice). I know, Berna, this, and beets, too? Yup.



I can personally recommend this recipe and also
this one from New York magazine, which I tried making tonight.



I didn't have walnuts, so I substituted almonds; I don't like parsley, so I didn't use that at all but to bring out the sweet taste from the walnuts I missed, I added a dash of cinnamon. Oh my god, delicious.

I'm grateful for experiments that turn out!

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Day 133: Nostalgia for the Light



Tonight I went to a screening of the movie Nostalgia for the Light. It was really beautiful, exploring the relationship between astronomers searching for clues to the universe and people searching for clues of what happened to their loved ones, desparecidos during the reign of Pinochet, in the Atacama desert in Chile.

The film is a visual elegy, and I loved hearing the curling Chilean Spanish accent for an hour and a half. I love these fragments of beauty floating through the universe - they are there, when you seek them out.

Day 132: Research

I got completely wrapped up in my research for my MESA paper tonight. It was nice. It's been a while since I've read really intelligent, thoughtful papers and had to begin to think about constructing my own. It's a welcome diversion.

I also was reminded, "It's always darkest before the dawn. But the dawn is coming." And I had the flutter of knowledge in my gut that what I am doing for myself now is invaluable. And brave. And the difficult but right thing isn't the easy thing, most times.

This poem is by Macrina Wiederkehr (from Seasons of Your Heart) and it's called "Tourist or Pilgrim?" It came to me during my years with Search at Seattle U, and has never quite left me. This year has been a time of pilgrimages for me (italics mine).

"I stand on the edge of myself and wonder,
Where is home?

Oh, where is the place
where beauty will last?
When will I be safe?
And where?

...

Then suddenly, overpowering me
with the truth, a voice within me
gentles me, and says:

There is a power in you, a truth in you
that has not yet been tapped.

You are blinded
with a blindness that is deep
for you've not loved the pilgrim in you yet.

There is a road
that runs straight through your heart.
Walk on it.

To be a pilgrim means
to be on the move, slowly
to notice your luggage becoming lighter
to be seeking for treasures that do not rust
to be comfortable with your heart's questions

to be moving toward the holy ground of home
with empty hands and bare feet.

And yet, you cannot reach that home
until you've loved the pilgrim in you

One must be comfortable
with pilgrimhood
before one's feet can touch the homeland.

Do you want to go home?
There's a road that runs
straight through your heart.
Walk on it."

Sunday, October 23, 2011

Day 129, 130, 131

Friday 10/21
Today I am grateful for having a stellar education. After visiting an academic event at a university, I realized how strong my graduate education was. It was without peer, and being around faulty normalizing arguments made me appreciate the sound and ethical nature of my education. I am glad to be well-trained.


Saturday 10/22

Today I am grateful for the discovery of Downton Abbey! This show is incredible - sharply observed commentary on the decline of the class system in pre-WW1 England.

Sunday 10/23


Bahman Jalali, Image of Imagination, 2003

I'm grateful for the opportunity to see an exhibition of contemporary Iranian photography today, called Persian Visions/Headbang, put on at CalPoly Pomona. One of my favorites was Sadegh Tirafkan's Persepolis, an installation of video and photography.




Thursday, October 20, 2011

Day 128: Chinatown

This is starting to feel dishonest. I'm not sure how to keep posting things I'm grateful for, and when the point is to increase the gratitude and contentment I am feeling in my life, when I get to the end of the day and think, Great - now I have to post something. What can I post? This gratitude has become a chore, given the place I am in emotionally. It is not a good place. I hope you are never here.

I will keep posting because a) I said I would, and my word is my bond and b) I have this insane hope that the blog will work again, like it did when I first started posting, and c) I think it might be doing me good even if that good is invisible to me right now.

Each day this week, save Monday, I've arranged one thing per day to look forward to: Tuesday was the talk at the Hammer, Wednesday was my haircut, and today was getting some new clothes I ordered in the mail and having a first session with a new counselor. Yay Therapy Thursdays! The tradition continues. Let's just say, my new clothes fit very well (the counselor less so), and I'm excited to wear a new shirt to work tomorrow. It's been tough coming up with a professional wardrobe after being in grad school and then working at a nonprofit - I'm more than 3 years away from dressing like a professional anymore. So I'm glad to gain a few new pieces.



I also curled up with the movie Chinatown tonight - I'd never seen it. Wow - seeing LA in the late 30s (or, depicted that way circa 74) was incredible.

Day 127: Cutting the Surface

Sometimes it's important to change things up a bit, even if it's only your appearance. I have been feeling very frustrated with my lack of progress lately, but thanks to a lovely stylist in Silverlake, at least now I have a fresh haircut to make me feel a little different - even if it changes me only externally. Thanks Mike!

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Day 126: Berna, Brad Cloepfil, & Bruno

I'm grateful for Berna today (as with most days).

I'm also grateful for trying new things, whether it's checking books out of the Doheny Library or going to a talk I really wanted to go to - even if I had to go alone because my friend stood me up.


Lobby of the Doheny Library

And I'm grateful to come home to Bruno, who helps me with my research project.




Oh. And Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.

Monday, October 17, 2011

Day 125: Within You



Los años de mi vida
yo caminé buscándolas.

(Neruda, Tus Manos)

I am grateful for beautiful words, whether sung out loud or reverberating in my heart in poetry.

Perhaps sometimes we must let go and find an answer within. Perhaps we have to stop running away from ourselves, from our truth, because in running away from it, we always run straight into it. Perhaps I had to learn what love was not before I could appreciate what real love is.

Camino buscándolo.

Day 122, 123 & 124

for Friday October 14, Saturday the 15, & Sunday the 16, 2011

As you might be able to tell from the lagging nature of my posting, I'm having a gratitude issue lately. For this I apologize, but I am really struggling. I am working hard, but not finding a lot of traction - in anything - and it's exceptionally frustrating and demotivating. This is when I need hope and gratitude the most, so I'll keep slogging through and wait for my heart to catch up with my head.

Friday 10/14
I'm thankful for food, and finding creative uses for it before it spoils! It's tough to cook for one, and I'm grateful for the stretch in creativity.

Saturday 10/15
Today my good friend Vernon took me to LACMA, on a behind-the-scenes tour for special donors of the installation of a new Michael Heizer sculpture, the Levitating Mass. LACMA CEO & Dia: Beacon founder Michael Govan led the tour, which was pretty exciting for me. It was great to see how the sculpture will be installed and put together, and to hear the backstory of how art pieces are created and constructed; I was grateful to be included.










Sunday 10/16
I'm grateful for a taste of home, discovered this weekend in Silverlake.

Friday, October 14, 2011

Day 121






I am grateful for the feeling that I can be who I want to be.

stills from Hamoun

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Day 120: Hamoun - & the world beyond!



حامون

The film Hamoun begins with the words, "I am at the seaside, with known and unknown people."

Thus begins an Iranian film from 1990 about a graduate student who is trying to understand where his partnership went awry. His wife leaves him. And he doesn't understand. I get where you're at, Hamoun.

Bad news, Mom, I am developing a serious thing for Iran. I don't know why I can't ever get obsessed with places you'd be ok with me visiting. First it was the photography and the art. Now the cinema. And I'm looking into Farsi classes...

I am grateful that the world is so large and beautiful and wonderful and hidden and open ...and there is more to discover, always. For that, I am so grateful.

Day 119: Just another day on the lot...

OH MY GOD. What happened today?

I'm trying to share pictures with you, but basically all hell broke loose at work. We were delivering a half-day seminar at Sony Pictures Entertainment, and I was meant to be there at noon. I arrived early, found the Rita Hayworth room (next to the Cary Grant Theater) but as soon as I got there, realized I had forgotten a flash drive with some information saved for my boss, who was leaving the seminar to travel directly to Texas. Once she arrived, we spoke with our Sony counterpart, who confirmed she had also neglected to print the handouts and materials for the afternoon session. So she ran off to the printer, and I ran back to my house (luckily Sony is in Culver City and 10 minutes from my apartment) for the flash drive. It was quite the stressful afternoon.

I have a picture of the lot for you, but true to the spirit of this day, I can't get it off my phone and onto my email. So...it's just a teaser for now.

When I finally got home (late), I had to work on a very important project with a looming deadline. I made myself dinner and ate at the computer...until 11:45pm, when I finished.

I am thankful for opportunities, for the chance to stretch myself, and that days like today pass. All things pass. I meditated tonight on that - about beginnings, and endings (also the theme of our seminar, which is basically teaching remedial English literature to executives who need to be reminded that stories have beginnings, middles & ends and there should be a conflict to get your audience excited). The more I meditated, the more I realized, yes, this is a cycle. Things come, things go; hard times come, hard times go; happiness comes, happiness goes. I just need to accept the flow, and stop trying to make it other than what it is.

Part of me - the New Yorker part - looks at the paragraph above and thinks, "Well there's your California Zen for the day." And the West Coast girl in me says, "Yes! New York, let it out...come home, be one with it..."

Monday, October 10, 2011

Day 118: West in Eden

I've been enjoying Steinbeck's East of Eden lately. I have to confess, I've never really read Steinbeck before. But when I moved to New York, Emile and I moved into this apartment in the East Village that a Dutch lesbian recently moved out of, leaving the country in a hurry (visa issues, we're told) and in her rushed departure, she left behind all her furniture - convenient for us - and a few books, including a copy of East of Eden as well as a book about the ghettos in America.



So now, three years later, I'm finally reading the book that was left for me. I also watched the James Dean movie version (hello, James Dean. I get why the ladies were all up on you now. Foxy). What a gorgeous inter-generational story of California, of humanity! The 1955 film version cuts it down to some of the basics, omitting a lot of salacious drama, but also some of the more fascinating characters (Lee, Samuel Hamilton, etc). But I have found something really beautiful in reading this classic story of California's founding and growing years, how people came here for new futures and built themselves out of nothing, struggled, survived, and ultimately thrived in this amazing place. There is something parallel about my own westward journey. Yes, I love New York - I have to, I always will, I miss it. But I love the west, and I love Steinbeck's vision of the historic West.

I also love words. I am incredibly grateful for the ravenously rich English language, and the delight of that language being well handled. So I will share some of my favorite pieces with you, as they've brought me joy.

I love Steinbeck's description of nostalgia (end of chapter 12), which ends with, "Oh, but the strawberries will never taste so good again and the thighs of women have lost their clutch!" (129). How great is that?!

Everything about this exchange is perfect, too, when Adam describes falling in love with Cathy:
"I'll want to hear," Samuel said. "I eat stories like grapes."
"A kind of light spread out from her. And everything changed color. And the world opened out. And a day was good to awaken to. And there were no limits to anything. And the people of the world were good and handsome. And I was not afraid of it anymore" (168).


In the end, though, it's Steinbeck's description of the story of the world that I find most captivating.

A child may ask, "What is the world's story about?" And a grown man or woman may wonder, "What way will the world go? How does it end and, while we're at it, what's the story about?"
I believe that there is one story in the world, and only one, that has frightened and inspired us, so that we live in Pearl White serial of continuing thought and wonder. Humans are caught - in their lives, in their thoughts, in their hungers and ambitions, in their avarice and cruelty, and in their kindness and generosity too - in a net of good and evil. I think that this is the only story we have and that it occurs on all levels of feeling and intelligence. Virtue and vice were warp and woof of our first consciousness, and they will be the fabric of our last, and this despite any changes we may impose on field and river and mountain, on economy and manners. There is no other story. A man, after he has brushed off the dust and chips of his life, will have left only the hard, clean questions: Was it good or was it evil? Have I done well - or ill? (411).


Well, the hard, clean question is: was it good? Have I done well?

Day 117: Kingly Speech

Tardy for Sunday, October 9

I was a bit bad last night and I stayed up late to watch The King's Speech after having Alex & Stephen over for dinner (instead of doing my daily gratitude in a timely fashion).

I really enjoyed the film, not only because Colin Firth is easy on the eyes as well as massively talented, but for the main message of the film. The main message is that we have to overcome our fear, our past, our demons, and own ourselves proudly to become great. We have to find our own voice.

I can get behind that.

I am also grateful to have shared a lovely - and fairly delicious, if I do say so myself (after having cooked it) - meal with my dear friends Alex & Stephen, for dining al fresco under fairy lights in my backyard, for dulce de leche cheesecake for dessert, and that gorgeous laughter and intimacy of deep friendships.

Saturday, October 8, 2011

Day 116: Los Angeles is amazing


Today I'm grateful for chance opportunities. Want something bad enough and it happens. Apparently, including obsessing about Ryan Gosling for months and then SEEING HIM AT DINNER. God bless LA.

Day 115: Friday!

I'm grateful for peaceful, lazy days. Yeah, at some point I'm gonna have to leave this great little apartment and do things, but...not yet.

Also, I'm grateful that I'm harder on myself than others are, and that when I think I'm out of the running, that doesn't necessarily mean that I am.

Friday, October 7, 2011

Day 114: California Sunsets

tardy for Thursday, October 6



Also, messages I saw today & enjoyed:

Thursday, October 6, 2011

Day 113

I started this project to build hope and change my outlook, and it has worked, but some days are definitely a struggle. Today was one of them.

I am grateful for hope, no matter how devastating it might be if it does not pan out.

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

Day 112: Shine

Thank God for walks in the hills as dusk is falling and the city spread out below me like a glittering tapestry.

I am particularly reminded today of a great quote by Marianne Williamson. It is often attributed to Nelson Mandela, because he found it and shared it, but Williamson said it first.

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."


My friend Katharine is an incredible human being, and she is a great writer. Today I read her blog, and I thought, how beautiful is it when we do the thing we are meant to do. We shine, things make sense, and we cannot hide our talent when we are pursuing what is our soul is looking for...after all, it takes guts to be who you are, unabashedly, in the world, and guts to own your deepest hopes and work to build them into the real. I am grateful for Katharine and her bravery, for putting herself out there, and for her pushing forward with her writing. She is an exceptional writer, and the world is a better place for her writing in it.

And thank goodness for Patty Griffin. This lady can sing. Can you imagine if she had sat in her room and said, "Well, maybe I'm not that good after all?"




What would the world be if we just humbly offered our gifts, instead of fearing them?

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

Day 111: Patio, for one



I cooked myself a good dinner tonight and sat outside on the patio, under the fairy lights, to eat it and drink my glass of wine. Not bad, not bad at all.

Ok fine watching some man-eyecandy movies didn't hurt either - a girl's gotta have some vices!

Sunday, October 2, 2011

Day 110: Life is beautiful

Grateful for a lovely housewarming today, including visits from some unexpected old friends!

Also, grateful for the reminder that life is beautiful (it is) and that there's beauty, and art, everywhere, in everything, if you just open your eyes to see it.



Romaine at La Brea, LA

Day 109: Backyard!



Today, I'm grateful for my backyard. Isn't it pretty?

Thanks to Maegan, for assistance stringing the lights and ladder-holding, and to Berna & Becky, for lending me the lights.