Buds & Blossoms

Friday, October 19 - Day II.127 (491) to Monday, November 5, 2012 - Day 144 (508)
Sometimes the well runs dry. Sometimes you have to start over. Sometimes you can't bring yourself to acknowledge the truth about yourself: the truths that are ugly, that counter who you try to be, the ones you just keep wishing weren't true.

My mind is tremendously powerful, and I am trying to work myself out of the box I have mentally created.

I have to let go of so many things to get to the next place - so many habits that brought me successfully here will not allow me to evolve into what is coming next. So I have to let go, jump into a void, create space for mistakes, allow myself to mess up, risk looking foolish, and run (kicking and screaming, let's be honest) out of my comfort zone.

In the past weeks, I keep returning to three quotations, that, if we are to believe linguistic anthropologists and their belief that our choice of words and self-expression reveal deeper structures of personhood, identity, and self-construction, represent this self I am building into:

"All I have is a voice
To undo the folded lie,
...
There is no such thing as the State
And no one exists alone;
Hunger allows no choice
To the citizen or the police;
We must love one another or die."    - WH Auden
      This so much as we prepare to vote. So relevant - but also as I think about the kind of anthropologist - and thinker - I want to be and what I hope to contribute as my legacy to the way people understand the world.

And also:
"Hope is the thing with feathers
That perches in the soul"  - Emily Dickinson
May there always be hope. May there always be hope.

And finally: 

“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”    -Anais Nin

 Tuesday, November 6, 2012 - Day II.145 (509)
Congratulations to Barack Obama!



"What makes America exceptional are the bonds that hold together the most diverse nation on earth.
The belief that our destiny is shared; that this country only works when we accept certain obligations to one another and to future generations.  The freedom which so many Americans have fought for and died for come with responsibilities as well as rights.
And among those are love and charity and duty and patriotism.  That's what makes America great."
-Barack Obama, Acceptance Speech, 11.6.2012

I am happy - and so so so so relieved - to have my faith in this country reaffirmed, and this man as my president for the next four years. It is reassuring that when you stand up for values, that is worth something, still. 

Wednesday, November 7, 2012 - Day II.146 (510)
May you be blessed enough to have a best friend who acts as a mirror, holding you back up to yourself in clarity when you cannot see yourself.

Remember, no man is a failure who has friends.

You know who you are. Thank you. I love you.

The 480s, and the meaning of life (while we're at it)

Monday, October 1 - Day II.109 (473) - Thursday, October 18 - Day II.126 (490)
So when your hope's on fire...don't hold a glass over the flame, don't let your heart grow cold, I will call your name, I will share your road.  - Mumford & Sons, Hopeless Wanderer 
 
Ok fine. This is cheating a little bit. But grad school is tough, so I get some concessions, right?

Grad school makes you focus on the important things. Tonight I am brought low in the face of them.

I have so many blessings: I have a great roommate, who helps me manage the rigors of this program and its demands; I have a great apartment that is a beautiful space to live in; I have my health. I get to bike to school most days along Lake Michigan, and I get to watch this great body of water, so big she has waves!, I get to watch her change colors and seasons and know her movements, great & small. I get to watch the trees turn colors as the seasons change, and the leaves fall, and I reminded how fantastic seasons are: they teach us, as Parker Palmer reminds us, to appreciate the circumstance we are in.

My mother had two children because she wanted us to have each other after she and my father were gone. Every day I am grateful for my sister, already. To know someone in your soul, what this means....I think many people go through life without this kind of connection to another person.

I am thankful for Search, all those years ago, a retreat put on by the Jesuits at SU, because that experience created the most caring friendships I have. My life is definitely a search, a quest. But it would be nothing without the companion that Search gave me - my friendship with Berna has been sustaining, deep, and powerful - in ways I anticipated, and in ways I did not foresee. It is trite to say I am grateful for this amazing and our ever-growing friendship, but I am not sure how to convey this sentiment any more honestly than that. Our lives are vastly different, and take us in different directions, but the wisdom, love and validation that she offers me are unceasing. I can only aspire to reflect that back to her, to earn that honor.

I am so thankful for Rob. At my dear friend Shane's wedding, the officiant noted that when you find your other, it takes courage to recognize that, to see it, to own it, to grow into that relationship, to be seen for who you are and acknowledged and loved for that. She was right. It does take courage, and ownership...but there is nothing more meaningful or worthy in life. How lucky am I, to find a man who sees me in my entirety and loves me anyway, who shares the same joy and delight at life's eccentricities, whose kindness and generosity know no bounds? This love is absolutely life's highest calling, and greatest blessing and I cherish it every moment.



to have & to hold, a lover of the light

There are not words enough for this gratitude - it overwhelms me, renders me (even me!) speechless and tearful in the face of it.

I cannot be me without you.

I wish for you every blessing, every deep love, every good thing that this earth and its people can offer to one another.



 

What it means to start school again at 30

 Sunday, Sept 23 - Day II.101 (465)
Safe travels from NM, albeit delayed, to CO.

Monday, Sept 24 - Day II.102 (466) 
I'm thankful for all the help I got with my multiple car problems. 


Tuesday, Sept 25 - Day II.103 (467)
Safe travels from Omaha to Chicago. Home, again, kind of.

Wednesday, Sept 26 - Day II.104 (468)
Today I had lunch with my advisor. I know that I am lucky to work with a woman who already has tenure and multiple books out, and who is responsive and positive and completely has my back. I am very lucky, honored to work with her, and completely determined to make her proud of me.

 Thursday, Sept 27 - Day II.105 (469) 

Today was my first day of class again. I felt so childlike, in some respects.

Also, am grateful to my stellar boyfriend for all my school supplies (see above). 

Friday, Sept 28 - Day II.106 (470)
Sometimes you just need a night at home. It's been so hectic - I am grateful for the breather, before things get even more hectic.

Saturday, Sept 29 - Day II.107 (471)
I really do love the Rogers Park Fruit Market. Gotta love a place where you can get Vietnamese hot sauce, taro, feta and fresh thyme. I also went to Dominick's for the first time today. I think I like it better than Ralph's in LA...


Sunday, September 30 - Day II.108 (472)

If I'm honest, I didn't get the break I needed to be able to process how huge this shift in my life is; my transition was altogether too chaotic, terrible and all-around tardy to allow any space for that kind of reflecting. I don't feel at home here and this city just feels weird to me. There is something on edge about it in a way that I find disconcerting. I realized that I hadn't even talked about how this feels like my fake life - like I'm going to go back to USC, and to LA and my beloved community there - at some point. But this is my real life, despite what it feels like, and this is my real career, and everything matters about 1500 times more than it ever has before.

Now I'm grappling with the effects of a stressful move, while trying to gain ground and establish myself in my true profession. I'll get there. Tonight was the first night that I felt like I was owning myself, owning this decision, fitting into the capacious shoes set in front of me.  Let's be honest, this program is incredibly rigorous and cuts across subfields, so I'll be required to be proficient in biological anthropology and archaeology, both of which I have no background in & I'm diving in at the 401 level. I want, I need, to be successful at this.

So thank you, Micaela, for that.