Days 332 - 335: One foot in front of the other, up the mountain (literally and figuratively)

Day 332 - Saturday, May 12
I was so incredibly grateful to have a lazy day off and make brunch, eat it al fresco, let the cats frolic in the yard, and watch some tv. Rest and peace are so key and I find myself cherishing my solitude these days.

Day 333 - Sunday, May 13
Assorted photos from a Sunday: a salted chocolate macaroon followed by a sunny solo hike in Griffith Park.

 Encouragement once you reach the top of the Bronson Canyon trailhead and join the Hollywood sign trail - 

 View from the top

 A locked-up heart:

And a little danger just in case you were jamming out to your headphones and weren't paying attention. Yep, rattlesnake!

Day 334 - Monday, May 14
Becoming - I have been thinking a lot about this lately. I've been reflecting on how poorly I do this, actually.

See, I'm good at being good at things. I was an excellent student my whole life, to the point of ridiculousness. I've been a great employee in most of my jobs. I was on varsity swimming, in three honors societies in high school, took 9 AP classes, was in the Honors program in college, was a member of the Search Retreat steering committee, speak multiple languages (some fluently, some decent enough just to order food and get directions without being hustled), have always had some kind of job...and in fact, I usually impress people with the amount of stuff I do. I am good at being good at things and I'm accustomed to people recognizing me as a good, smart, accomplished person; and this crazy perfection quest has been a way for me to cover some deep-seated insecurities and loneliness. Inside my head, I thought: "Instead of accepting myself and my flaws and my strengths, I will be so amazing and perfect that everyone else will have to notice and recognize and be in awe." Kids, don't try this at home. It doesn't work, and you're left with the same emptiness you started out trying to cover up.

I'm not good at becoming. I'm not good at patience (although to be fair, I also disclose this at the beginning of most relationships, professional or personal, so I am at least good at warning you). I'm not good at those awkward growing phases, I'm not good with sitting and waiting for the transformation to occur. I want to just be there already - like that obnoxious kid in the car on the road trip who keeps asking, "Are we there yet?" I can't accept the journey; I always look for the destination. This year has been incredibly emotionally difficult for so many reasons: separating from a person I planned to marry because the relationship was dysfunctional, hurtful, and disrespectful; moving from a city and a job that were both an uphill battle but I still felt like a loser for leaving New York, like I "didn't make it" and had to leave; starting a job that represents everything I went to grad school to avoid; living alone - being alone ALL. THE. TIME. The solitude fluctuates between comforting and nourishing to crushingly overwhelming and black. Even this blog, to a degree, has been a way of upholding this image of myself I keep trying to portray - look how valiantly I'm handling something so ugly. Look how well I'm taking this. Look how evolved I am. (Like most things, the blog offers both blessings and curses depending on your perspective.) This year, it's been my sabbatical year from life, is how I keep thinking of it. Because I don't want to admit this year of becoming; it doesn't fit with the rest of the perfection image I keep trying to paint myself as. Because I don't want to admit that I made some mistakes - because I got myself into some bad situations in love and in money from which I'm struggling to extricate myself. I wonder most days if I'll ever be whole - I can't say, will I ever be whole again because I don't think I ever was whole to begin with (and that lack of wholeness and loneliness drove some of those poor decisions). But will I ever be whole in my heart and recover from this terrible thing that happened to me (but I also recognize that I allowed it to happen despite knowing better), and will I ever be in the black again? I feel like I keep wallowing in the red.

So that's why I have come clean to you, dear (five) readers. Because I need humility. And patience - with others, with myself, with life, with the journey. I lay this out because I need accountability and I need to stop pretending, and that means admitting that I'm barely holding it together or failing at holding it together, some days. I need the reminder to just stop, breathe, slow down, trust myself, and learn to listen to that internal rhythm...the rhythm that says, breathe, my love, and rest. In the morning, we get another shot at trying again, and another day on the journey.

To that end, I say: I'm grateful for the journey in its complexity, in its lessons, in its blackness, in its light. And on tomorrow's journey, I will look for some levity...


Day 335 - Tuesday May 15, 2012
Praise be! I got an assistant and she started today and I don't feel like I'm drowning anymore at work I feel like I can take a breath now can't you tell?

Also, here's to finally trying Tacos Leo and some delicious al pastor.

Taco Crawl: Experiments in South Brooklyn

Taking a cue from the ever fabulous "pub crawl" or "bar crawl," E and I decided to have a "taco crawl." Sunset Park is full of taco stands, trucks, and restaurants - each with their own flavor or style (cooking traditions from many Mexican states are represented here within a ten block radius) and claim to fame. So we invited some of our favorite friends who also enjoy gustatory delights and exploration to come on the first annual Taco Crawl in Sunset Park.
We began at Tacos Xochimilco, named after an area of Mexico City, south of the city center. Xochimilco (pronounced So-tse-milco in Spanish) means 'a place with flowers' in Nahuatl. We didn't see any flowers, but we did see some great greens: as habitual, our taco odyssey started with green and red salsa.




After some carne asada and al pastor deliciousness, Jahi decided to taste a gordita.
Like a taco pillow, filled with taco delights! Xochimilco had great food, and really spicy salsa, but plan on being there for a minute - worth the wait, but they usually have only one cook and one waitress working. You can find them across from the well-known Tacos Matamoros, at the intersection of 46th and 5th Ave.

After Xochimilco, we headed down to the truck we'd seen often parked outside the Key Foods at Sunset Park. Tacos Bronco - you can find the truck after 8p on 5th Ave at 44th Street. You'll recognize it immediately, because the truck creates a halo of white light into which eager taco-hunters crowd like moths to a flame. The truck is incredibly popular, so they have four guys turning out the goods inside the truck, and two 'handlers' outside it who take orders and pass the steaming plates of luscious tacos to the appropriate consumer. I can't recommend these guys enough - they gave us two free tacos to taste, as well as a cup of soup - they said they didn't recognize us, and thanked us for coming. About ten minutes after we ordered, they began to pass out plates to us. I tried my usual, the enchilada (spicy pork), as well as the al pastor. In a culinary innovative delight, these al pastor tacos - which are cooked with pineapple and thus have a juicy, rather sweet flavor - Tacos Bronco puts chopped fresh pineapple onto the tacos, along with giving you a grilled sweet onion.



Here are foodie friends Chris and Katharine pre-Bronco!

So yummy. And, the sign is correct - each taco a whopping $1.50. Brooklyn is the best.

After Tacos Bronco, it seemed ludicrous to try more tacos, but...we did. Heading down Fifth Avenue, we popped into Tacos California, at 47th and 5th Ave. They have stellar, smoky, melt-in-your-mouth carne asada. They also have creamy, luscious shakes.

This was the only place where the waitstaff only spoke Spanish (the other places showed serious American English influence, unfortunately) but we viewed this (correctly) as a harbinger of the great tastes to come. Our waitress had a great attitude, and helped us order in our fragmented Spanish. So, they get bonus points for her good humor.

By this point, we were averaging about 5 tacos each (you have to taste the different kinds at each place, that's the point!) and were starting to fill up. I remembered that Rico's Tacos has amazing 'tacos arabes' - regular tacos but on a harina-flour tortilla and a special sauce. If I have to describe it in words, it's like a taco fell in love with a falafel sandwich and they made a baby. It's incredible. So we went, attempting the nigh-impossible - but unfortunately Rico's was out of tacos arabes by the time we got there (10pm). Lesson learned: tacos arabes are popular, as is Rico's in general, so get there early! Their "regular" tacos are anything but, by the way - they have amazing, spicy, juicy carne enchilada and al pastor and buche and asada tacos...worth the stop. Find them near the wall mural of a pig smiling, roasting in a pot, and the big tacos sign with the arrow at the intersection of 51st and 5th Ave.

Full, we decided not to get some more tacos, and instead bought some beers and headed back to the apartment to digest. We'll be figuring out sites for next year's crawl, but in the meantime, here are some other places you can go to taste delicious tacos in this neighborhood:

Tacos Matamoros
Downside: lots of us gringos know about this place.
Recommendation: Great tacos al pastor & carne enchilada. They also have margaritas, and delicious nachos. Go on a work day, to avoid the crowds of gringos. The food is a little bit spicier on work days, too...or perhaps that's just the imagination at work.
Located at: 46th and 5th Ave. Look for the neon light that has an outline of the taco and emblazoned with "Hot Taco."

Eclipse Mexican
Lots of flavor, but not real spicy. They have a vegetarian menu, and offer definitely gringo Mexican food. Whereas some of these other places have menus on the window, or a cardboard sign, this is a place that is fully clean and you can take your parents there.
Located at: 4th Avenue and 44th

Happy taco-hunting, my friends!

Food: Rico's Tacos

E & I finally got up the nerve to go try Rico's Tacos. We had heard rumors it was good, but the odd mural of a smiling pig being boiled alive and the shabby exterior of the joint had served as deterrents thus far.

It has long been my belief that the tackier the decor, the better the ethnic food. And Rico's adheres to this rule. The building is definitely run down, but when you pay $1.50 for a delicious taco, who really cares? I tried the carne enchilada (spicy pork), and Emile tried al pastor (also pork, roasted with pineapple and other sauces). My 3 tacos, for a mere $4.50, were delicious. Our waitress provided us with three types of salsa: red (spicy), green (not as spicy), and a creamy but light guacamole. The tacos, on small corn shells, come with meat, onion, and cilantro and the customary plate of limes and radishes. The rest is up to you. The meat was delicious and moist, and I found my hands stained with spicy red grease after wolfing down my tacos like a lady. The meat is more seasoned and a bit more spicy than other Sunset Park taco joints, even my beloved Tacos Matamoros. I highly recommend taking the tacos with a dash of the red salsa and the guacamole: tangy, limey, spicy heaven awaits.

Outdoor seating available, kind of.

Rico's Tacos
51st St (just above 5th Ave)
Sunset Park, Brooklyn
Cash only