Day 332 - Saturday, May 12
I was so incredibly grateful to have a lazy day off and make brunch, eat it al fresco, let the cats frolic in the yard, and watch some tv. Rest and peace are so key and I find myself cherishing my solitude these days.
Day 333 - Sunday, May 13
Assorted photos from a Sunday: a salted chocolate macaroon followed by a sunny solo hike in Griffith Park.
Encouragement once you reach the top of the Bronson Canyon trailhead and join the Hollywood sign trail -
View from the top
A locked-up heart:
And a little danger just in case you were jamming out to your headphones and weren't paying attention. Yep, rattlesnake!
Day 334 - Monday, May 14
Becoming - I have been thinking a lot about this lately. I've been reflecting on how poorly I do this, actually.
See, I'm good at being good at things. I was an excellent student my whole life, to the point of ridiculousness. I've been a great employee in most of my jobs. I was on varsity swimming, in three honors societies in high school, took 9 AP classes, was in the Honors program in college, was a member of the Search Retreat steering committee, speak multiple languages (some fluently, some decent enough just to order food and get directions without being hustled), have always had some kind of job...and in fact, I usually impress people with the amount of stuff I do. I am good at being good at things and I'm accustomed to people recognizing me as a good, smart, accomplished person; and this crazy perfection quest has been a way for me to cover some deep-seated insecurities and loneliness. Inside my head, I thought: "Instead of accepting myself and my flaws and my strengths, I will be so amazing and perfect that everyone else will have to notice and recognize and be in awe." Kids, don't try this at home. It doesn't work, and you're left with the same emptiness you started out trying to cover up.
I'm not good at becoming. I'm not good at patience (although to be fair, I also disclose this at the beginning of most relationships, professional or personal, so I am at least good at warning you). I'm not good at those awkward growing phases, I'm not good with sitting and waiting for the transformation to occur. I want to just be there already - like that obnoxious kid in the car on the road trip who keeps asking, "Are we there yet?" I can't accept the journey; I always look for the destination. This year has been incredibly emotionally difficult for so many reasons: separating from a person I planned to marry because the relationship was dysfunctional, hurtful, and disrespectful; moving from a city and a job that were both an uphill battle but I still felt like a loser for leaving New York, like I "didn't make it" and had to leave; starting a job that represents everything I went to grad school to avoid; living alone - being alone ALL. THE. TIME. The solitude fluctuates between comforting and nourishing to crushingly overwhelming and black. Even this blog, to a degree, has been a way of upholding this image of myself I keep trying to portray - look how valiantly I'm handling something so ugly. Look how well I'm taking this. Look how evolved I am. (Like most things, the blog offers both blessings and curses depending on your perspective.) This year, it's been my sabbatical year from life, is how I keep thinking of it. Because I don't want to admit this year of becoming; it doesn't fit with the rest of the perfection image I keep trying to paint myself as. Because I don't want to admit that I made some mistakes - because I got myself into some bad situations in love and in money from which I'm struggling to extricate myself. I wonder most days if I'll ever be whole - I can't say, will I ever be whole again because I don't think I ever was whole to begin with (and that lack of wholeness and loneliness drove some of those poor decisions). But will I ever be whole in my heart and recover from this terrible thing that happened to me (but I also recognize that I allowed it to happen despite knowing better), and will I ever be in the black again? I feel like I keep wallowing in the red.
So that's why I have come clean to you, dear (five) readers. Because I need humility. And patience - with others, with myself, with life, with the journey. I lay this out because I need accountability and I need to stop pretending, and that means admitting that I'm barely holding it together or failing at holding it together, some days. I need the reminder to just stop, breathe, slow down, trust myself, and learn to listen to that internal rhythm...the rhythm that says, breathe, my love, and rest. In the morning, we get another shot at trying again, and another day on the journey.
To that end, I say: I'm grateful for the journey in its complexity, in its lessons, in its blackness, in its light. And on tomorrow's journey, I will look for some levity...
Day 335 - Tuesday May 15, 2012
Praise be! I got an assistant and she started today and I don't feel like I'm drowning anymore at work I feel like I can take a breath now can't you tell?
Also, here's to finally trying Tacos Leo and some delicious al pastor.
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