Day 1, Year II

Gratitude, Part II

Day II.1 (366): Friday, June 15, 2012
Things are slowly starting to fall in line for my move. This is gratifying. And slow.

Day II.2 (367): Saturday June 16, 2012
Today I worked on my LA bucket list. I did the Culver City stairs twice. My legs only ached for five days afterwards.

Then I took myself on a date to the Museum of Jurassic Technology. This fascinating little labyrinth of a museum is a complete charmer. I enjoyed my solo self-date and finished up with a cup of tea in the rooftop courtyard, watching the birds, & listening to the man play the accordion.

 Up next on the bucket list: the Gamble House in Pasadena, Joshua Tree, Mt. Wilson Observatory.

Day II.3 (368) - Sunday June 17, 2012

 Sometimes the most beautiful thing is to share a walk with a friend and truly be present with them. So much of the time, we spend time with people or communicate with them without truly listening, without really being present. The greatest gift you can offer someone is your presence. You are the greatest gift you can offer someone.

Day II.4 (369): Tuesday, June 19, 2012

Follow your dreams! The universe is giving you pointers, if you just look for them...

Day II.5 (370): Wednesday, June 20, 2012

 I like this graffiti. It is my aspiration to love wherever I happen to be, by seeing these places for what they are and appreciating their unique characters.

Today I discovered that Northwestern has a sailing center. A sailing center! How great is that. They rent kayaks and stand-up paddleboards to explore Lake Michigan. Now that's something to look forward to!

Day 355-359: Return to L.A.

Monday, June 4 - Day 355

My favorite "nephews" are upwardly mobile! I got to visit with them and their parents tonight. Any time I get to hang out with those ladies or cuddle these boys is exceptional.

Tuesday, June 5 - Day 356
This week is our annual sponsor meeting. I will be so grateful when this event has passed - it's been incredibly stressful and heavy at work lately. But there's a light at the end of the tunnel!


Wednesday, June 6 - Day 357
Never fails to amuse, this one. Stealth kitty! "She can't see you if you lay really flat & still..."

Thursday, June 7 - Day 358
The sponsor meeting is over! I know that's cheating as gratitude, because it's a negative, really, and not a positive. But still. I am grateful.


Tonight I went to go see Moonrise Kingdom - what a delightful film. You should go see it. It's quirky and charming and exactly the way life should be.





Friday, June 8 - Day 359

 Today I watered my carrots and realized I needed to tweak the planter a little, the carrots were growing around each other because they were planted too closely together. As I reworked it, I was actually able to harvest some! These are the first of my rainbow carrots - aren't they beautiful? I also have three green chilis from my New Mexico green chili seeds. They are delicious! I love gardening: it requires patience and planning, but the payout is rewarding. I think this is a good lesson for me to begin learning...

 Bitty v. Ginger showdown! The cats are very entertaining.

 First cherries of summer!

The boss gave me the afternoon off so I used it to hike in Griffith Park. It has been a few weeks since I've been around to hike, so I was grateful to see the park with new eyes and enjoy being out in the California desert.

Day 354: Home

Day 354 - Sunday, June 4, 2012

So grateful to be in my own house again and reunited with this guy.

Day 336 - 341: Beauty, brunch, beginnings

Day 336 - Wednesday, May 16, 2012
I'm so glad to have an assistant. I'm also so glad she's not fulltime; the pressure of managing someone and ensuring that she's busy is a stress, even if her diligence and solid work ethic take so much off my plate.


Day 337 - Thursday, May 17, 2012

I choose to read this sentence as an imperative (where welcome is a command).

What if we welcomed grace and peace? Went out, expected it, greeted it with open arms?

 Day 338 - Friday, May 18, 2012

 Sometimes beauty is in the strangest places you never think to look - like under your feet at your favorite LA coffee shop.              

Loved spending Friday night dancing outdoors at Music Center in Downtown LA. Happy 80s night!



Day 339 - Saturday, May 19, 2012

Gay boyfriends are really better than straight boyfriends 90% of the time. Especially when they cook you amazing brunch and you get to eat it by their pool.

Also, life lessons learned from a first birthday party: enjoy your up to your elbows!


Day 340 - Sunday, May 20, 2012


 
Hey Jude, don't make it bad
Take a sad song and make it better
Remember to let her into your heart
Then you can start to make it better

Hey Jude, don't be afraid
You were made to go out and get her
The minute you let her under your skin
Then you begin to make it better

And anytime you feel the pain, hey Jude, refrain
Don't carry the world upon your shoulders
For well you know that it's a fool who plays it cool
By making his world a little colder
Na na na, na na, na na na na

Hey Jude, don't let me down
You have found her, now go and get her
Remember to let her into your heart
Then you can start to make it better

So let it out and let it in, hey Jude, begin ...

Day 341 - Monday, May 21
I thought he killed my hope, but he didn't. I can feel her, warm and budding, in my heart. For the first time in a long time. She wasn't gone. She just got a little shy after she lost the last battle.

Days 332 - 335: One foot in front of the other, up the mountain (literally and figuratively)

Day 332 - Saturday, May 12
I was so incredibly grateful to have a lazy day off and make brunch, eat it al fresco, let the cats frolic in the yard, and watch some tv. Rest and peace are so key and I find myself cherishing my solitude these days.

Day 333 - Sunday, May 13
Assorted photos from a Sunday: a salted chocolate macaroon followed by a sunny solo hike in Griffith Park.

 Encouragement once you reach the top of the Bronson Canyon trailhead and join the Hollywood sign trail - 

 View from the top

 A locked-up heart:

And a little danger just in case you were jamming out to your headphones and weren't paying attention. Yep, rattlesnake!

Day 334 - Monday, May 14
Becoming - I have been thinking a lot about this lately. I've been reflecting on how poorly I do this, actually.

See, I'm good at being good at things. I was an excellent student my whole life, to the point of ridiculousness. I've been a great employee in most of my jobs. I was on varsity swimming, in three honors societies in high school, took 9 AP classes, was in the Honors program in college, was a member of the Search Retreat steering committee, speak multiple languages (some fluently, some decent enough just to order food and get directions without being hustled), have always had some kind of job...and in fact, I usually impress people with the amount of stuff I do. I am good at being good at things and I'm accustomed to people recognizing me as a good, smart, accomplished person; and this crazy perfection quest has been a way for me to cover some deep-seated insecurities and loneliness. Inside my head, I thought: "Instead of accepting myself and my flaws and my strengths, I will be so amazing and perfect that everyone else will have to notice and recognize and be in awe." Kids, don't try this at home. It doesn't work, and you're left with the same emptiness you started out trying to cover up.

I'm not good at becoming. I'm not good at patience (although to be fair, I also disclose this at the beginning of most relationships, professional or personal, so I am at least good at warning you). I'm not good at those awkward growing phases, I'm not good with sitting and waiting for the transformation to occur. I want to just be there already - like that obnoxious kid in the car on the road trip who keeps asking, "Are we there yet?" I can't accept the journey; I always look for the destination. This year has been incredibly emotionally difficult for so many reasons: separating from a person I planned to marry because the relationship was dysfunctional, hurtful, and disrespectful; moving from a city and a job that were both an uphill battle but I still felt like a loser for leaving New York, like I "didn't make it" and had to leave; starting a job that represents everything I went to grad school to avoid; living alone - being alone ALL. THE. TIME. The solitude fluctuates between comforting and nourishing to crushingly overwhelming and black. Even this blog, to a degree, has been a way of upholding this image of myself I keep trying to portray - look how valiantly I'm handling something so ugly. Look how well I'm taking this. Look how evolved I am. (Like most things, the blog offers both blessings and curses depending on your perspective.) This year, it's been my sabbatical year from life, is how I keep thinking of it. Because I don't want to admit this year of becoming; it doesn't fit with the rest of the perfection image I keep trying to paint myself as. Because I don't want to admit that I made some mistakes - because I got myself into some bad situations in love and in money from which I'm struggling to extricate myself. I wonder most days if I'll ever be whole - I can't say, will I ever be whole again because I don't think I ever was whole to begin with (and that lack of wholeness and loneliness drove some of those poor decisions). But will I ever be whole in my heart and recover from this terrible thing that happened to me (but I also recognize that I allowed it to happen despite knowing better), and will I ever be in the black again? I feel like I keep wallowing in the red.

So that's why I have come clean to you, dear (five) readers. Because I need humility. And patience - with others, with myself, with life, with the journey. I lay this out because I need accountability and I need to stop pretending, and that means admitting that I'm barely holding it together or failing at holding it together, some days. I need the reminder to just stop, breathe, slow down, trust myself, and learn to listen to that internal rhythm...the rhythm that says, breathe, my love, and rest. In the morning, we get another shot at trying again, and another day on the journey.

To that end, I say: I'm grateful for the journey in its complexity, in its lessons, in its blackness, in its light. And on tomorrow's journey, I will look for some levity...


Day 335 - Tuesday May 15, 2012
Praise be! I got an assistant and she started today and I don't feel like I'm drowning anymore at work I feel like I can take a breath now can't you tell?

Also, here's to finally trying Tacos Leo and some delicious al pastor.

Days 329 - 331: the Art in/of Living

Day 329 - Wednesday May 9, 2012

A reminder to take life a little less seriously, a little more colorfully: an actual human skull, blinged out with turquoise and stones post-mortem.

Day 330 - Thursday, May 10, 2012
Here's to hope!

And to finally seeing Shadi Ghadirian's work in real life, after presenting on it at three academic conferences and blogging on how fascinating her work is.

Day 331 - Friday, May 11, 2012

 I was back at LACMA again today, this time to catch up with my friend Aurora at LACMA's Friday night happy hour in the Broad Contemporary Courtyard. 

Not a bad way to spend an evening.

Day 321 - 328, or, The Backlog

Day 321 - Tuesday May 1
I am thankful for sanctuary and moments of peace in the storm.

Day 322 - Wednesday, May 2
At least, whatever the other insecurities and changes about to rock my world, I know who I'll be living with next year and we share the same priorities. I am so thankful for this grace.

Day 323 - Thursday, May 3
Swimming 2000 yards in the sunshine at lunch.
I need the time to think.

Day 324 - Friday, May 4
This guy.

Day 325 - Saturday, May 5
The beach is pretty awesome. 

Day 326 - Sunday, May 6

I used up my Crate & Barrel gift card (from my credit card points) to upgrade some very needed kitchen tools. I paid a total of $6.90 for all this.

Day 327 - Monday, May 7
Productivity. When it happens, it rules!

Day 328 - Tuesday, May 8

Graduation season is good for one thing - lots of free lunches. Like ones at the fancy Hawaiian fusion place in Downtown.

Day 317 - 320: Decide what to be and go be it

Day 317 - Friday, April 27, 2012

“One can have no smaller or greater mastery than mastery of oneself.”
-Leonardo da Vinci

 

I feel finally, and for the first time, like I truly own myself.

I am so grateful for that.

Also, I feel deeply validated today: what you put out into the world, what you are open to - it finds you.


Day 318 - Saturday, April 28, 2012

 My friends Shane & Jesse surprised me with this gorgeous Le Creuset dutch oven. I'd be lusting after one, wanting to get one before my impending move to Chicago (where stews and soups will be critical for surviving the Midwest winters). It's such a beautiful piece, and adds to my existing Le Creuset hoard. Thank you, Shane & Jesse, for adding to my collection so that I will think fondly of you every time I use this, nourishing my body and my heart!

I have noted on this blog so many times how grateful I am for my community of friends. I'm so grateful I went to Seattle U. I am so grateful I have friends like I do: Berna & Becky, Alex & Stephen, Leslie, Norah, Shane & Jesse, Laura G, Katharine...technically I consider my sister and my cousin my friends too. I feel so blessed to have people who show up for me, consistently, and I take it as a mark of pride to have such incredible friendships. These are in fact my most cherished possessions.


Day 319 - Sunday, April 29, 2012

  Sometimes you just have to go where the wild things are. Truth is, it's a jungle out there. But the secret? You can just dance through it.

Day 320 - Monday, April 30, 2012

Amen.

If you're loved by someone, you're never rejected

Decide what to be and go be it

  -Avett Brothers, Head Full of Doubt

Day 304 - 306: LA al fresco

Day 304 - Saturday, April 14
There's always something beautiful, even in the mess - if you look hard enough, long enough.




Day 305 - Sunday, April 15

Sunday brunch al fresco - homemade broccoli cheddar quiche! And then some quiet reading time under the orange blossoms...


Day 306 - Monday, April 16
Loving yourself is way, way harder than I imagined. I can't say I have it figured out yet, or that I'm all the way there, but I'm getting pretty close to a serious crush.

Day 301 - 303: Rains

LA styled by rain looks like this:


Day 301 - April 11, 2012
After a stellar weekend of sunshine, a storm has hit the Southland.
Here's Balloona Creek, which actually looks like a creek for once.



Not only does this weather make me appreciate the nice weather all the more, it's a reminder that balance in all things is at times uncomfortable but necessary.

Day 302 - Thursday, April 12, 2012

Today was a bit of a rainy, dreary day. In order to best use up some of my leftovers, I tossed some broccoli, chickpeas and feta over some orecchiette for dinner. Then, to use up the zucchini, I made Zucchini Spice Bread. It came out pretty lovely!
I tried to put a line of walnuts down the center to make it look all gourmet and arty. Would-be bakers, a note: walnuts are heavier than this baking mix and sink into it. So there are random walnuts floating in this zucchini loaf, an accidental surprise treat for the consumer.



Day 303 - April 13, 2012
Today I was an idiot and tried to beat the weather (how might one do this? how does one "beat" the weather?). This was not particularly well thought out. I know from numerous volksmarches in my childhood that the saying, "Just because it's raining here doesn't mean it's raining there!" is stupid and naively wishful thinking. No. It's raining there too. It doesn't matter where there is. Put your sweatpants on and curl up with some tea and soup, and keep your idiot self inside.
Instead, I biked to work in the rain. It wasn't raining when I left my little apartment, but as soon as I got a reasonable distance away (ie, far enough that my pride wouldn't allow me to turn around and just drive to work like a normal person) it started pouring. Luckily I had my trusty rainjacket on and Emile's generous birthday gift of a Timbuk2 bike bag is waterproof, but there's not much to say for your pride when your Keds are soaked and your toes inside freezing, your jeans clinging to your goosebumped legs, and water is dripping off your helmet into your eyes causing you to blink like a strobe light.
In trying to shoehorn this experience into something grateful, I can honestly say I'm grateful for:
a). Coworkers that say, "The weather is crap. Let's order pizza for lunch." Heck yes.
b). Coworkers that own trucks, take pity on your miserable appearance, and offer to drive you & your bike home (without laughing at you openly). Thank you Vivian.
c). Friday nights with nothing planned except sweatpants, wine, and movies.

Until c) starts, stay dry, my friends!

Day 272 - 278

Monday, March 12 - Day 272
Today I had a chiro appt so I worked from home. I'm grateful for working from home, but I'm also grateful to Emile for gifting me the appointment and for the sense of straightness and balance in my spine!

Tuesday, March 13 - Day 273
I appreciate having my own space. So much.

Wednesday, March 14 - Day 274
I'm grateful for the exquisite goat dinner tonight with Vernon and Ashley!

Thursday, March 15 - Day 275
Tonight while tutoring I realized how profoundly lucky I am to have had the education I have. I've realized this before - it's not the first time, of course, but it just really hit me tonight. I'm so grateful for my literacy.

Friday, March 16 - Day 276
Grateful for Fridays. Always. Trite but true!

Saturday, March 17 - Day 277
Sometimes a lazy day in is the best medicine!

Sunday, March 18 - Day 278




I went for a solo hike in Topanga Canyon today. I did about 8 miles. It was a really gorgeous sunny day - but chilly and windy.



Then I came home and turned some overripe fruit into a tart!

Day 266 - 271: Life begets life

Tuesday, March 6 - Day 266
"Life begets life. Energy creates energy. It is by spending oneself that one become rich."
— Sarah Bernhardt
This week was about living life out, spending it, enjoying it in the sunshine, loving it, leaving nothing on the table.

Wednesday, March 7 - Day 267

This evening, I saw this sticker on a lightpole: "Happy by choice." I thought it was lovely, and true. I am happy by choice, regardless of circumstances.

Thursday, March 8 - Day 268
Bike riding in the sunshine to Ballona Creek at Playa del Rey! What a delightful simple pleasure, the sun and salt on your skin...



Friday, March 9 - Day 269
Today I went hiking in Azusa, looking for the Bridge to Nowhere. Didn't find it - but it was lovely looking for it, and in the process saw a bobcat and some bighorn sheep.



Saturday, March 10 - Day 270

The LACMA Rock has arrived! How lovely! I also got into the LACMA exhibition on surrealism and feminist artists for free, which was pretty sweet.

Sunday, March 11 - Day 271

Seeing the ocean is always a good thing.