From May to June (2.11 - 2.16)

Friday, May 29 - Day 11

I went back to Long Island City, solo, and had an evening all to myself at the apartment. Solo time is so rare & precious now!

Saturday, May 30 - Day 12

I'm grateful for access to medical care - turns out this awful thing is an ear infection. I haven't had an ear infection since I was like....3! Now I'm on a course of amoxicillin. Apparently it will take 1.5 days (DAYS) to start to work.

                                               Thank you healthcare workers! An LIC Tribute 

We drove up to Massachusetts to Rob's parents house - had a cookout, socially distanced, although Rob had a covid19 test on Friday (negative) so we're fairly certain we're not carriers. It was so nice to have help with Julian - we haven't had childcare since early March.

Sunday, May 31 - Day 13 

I am grateful for the discomfort that comes with learning.

I tried to speak up today, when I heard one of my in-laws say something deriding the looting but not the loss of human life. I didn't do a very good job articulating myself - but I didn't stay silent. But I tried to be a better ally, where last year I would have just rolled my eyes privately. 

I'll be better next time. 

Monday, June 1 - Day 14

My mother turned 70! I'm glad I was able to send her a cake and a present. Now that I'm a parent I realize how much work and time I took from her, and I'm grateful for all the labor she poured into me.

Tuesday, June 2 - Day 15

Today foreshadowed the changes to come - moves on the horizon.

I received access to my office at Yale for 30 minutes, so I attempted to pack everything up in that time. I'm not sure if I'll get access again by the time my postdoc ends June 30! So it was a frenzied 30 minutes, followed by another half hour lugging all the suitcases filled with books to my car. 

                                                            My (now-former) Yale office

NYC has an 8pm curfew today because of the George Floyd protests. I appreciate all the protestors, standing up for civil rights. I appreciate stories like Rahul Dubey: everyday people who just do what's right.

Wednesday, June 3 - Day 16

                                                                    Game: find Bitty!

My living room in NH looks better with my new lemon tree in it, and my books from my office. 

My ear infection has not subsided, amoxicillin notwithstanding.

Black. Lives. Matter. I am thinking about the best ways to incorporate antiracist methods and lit into my fall syllabi. 

I think I will move to a digest format, because realistically, I am not keeping up. Trying to manage daily (private) journal writing, daily meditation, daily workout, fulltime childcare & occasional work - adding more things isn't feasible. 

The Gratitude Project 2.0, Day 1

After *ahem* several years' hiatus, I've decided to start another round of the Gratitude Project. I debated beginning a new blog, to reflect who I am now, and not bring the cringeworthy baggage of my doctoral training, or my prior failed relationships, or just prior failures - to this new endeavor. But the truth is, that's all a part of me. I carry that baggage in real life. So I carry it here too. I ask that you, (few) readers, be kind and forgive these awkward growing pains.

So now we're in a global pandemic, and my country's  leadership has overwhelmingly failed our population. The pandemic has brought our economy crashing down, and revealed all the classist and racialized and gendered fractures in our society. In academe, the field I've chosen, there are dire reports of the collapse of college in America, as well as clear signs that women academics will be farther behind when and if things return to some semblance of normal. There is significant gaslighting about returning to normal, which of course some predicted.

As I write this, there are protestors one block away from me, hair stylists angry that Gov Lamont (CT) has declined to allow them to go back to work. I have become a full-time stay@home mom, which is not a role that suits me. Of course my partner and I have fought a lot during quarantine, because we haven't seen anyone else in 11 weeks (in real life). I am frustrated with my situation: my inability to properly engage and teach my toddler, my inability to communicate with my partner at times, my inability to do meaningful work, my consistent bouts with depression...on a broader level, with the world situation, with everything. I know I am incredibly privileged. That's kind of what makes it worse - that my situation is the ideal situation for lockdown. 

I have been meditating consistently, working out consistently, but these practices have been small goals I've kept to myself. So here is my attempt to focus on cultivating gratitude, again, in a new time, in unforeseen challenges, with some more public accountability. Or at least the idea of it.

Today, on Tuesday May 19, 2020, Day 72 of lockdown, I am grateful for:
- the crinkle in my toddler's nose when he smiles at me, usually up close, usually holding my face in his chubby little hands
-I bought a peony plant and a beautiful pot for it this past weekend. It's quite beautiful, and  I'm looking forward to seeing its blooms here very soon!