Day 342-348: New York State of Mind

Tuesday, May 22 - Day 342
Last day in the office for a bit. Thank goodness I get to go to New York! I've missed it. Landed in one of the five boroughs by midnight.

Wednesday, May 23 - Day 343
Today brought many blessings! A morning run in Prospect Park, for one.

 Then there was lunch at Bierkraft with Emile.

 And catching up with Nadia G, Greta, and then having a delightful dinner in Long Island City with Jailee and Niko. The view wasn't bad - this city is one of the greatest places I know.

Thursday, May 24 - Day 344

 Today was another yummy lunch - BBQ chicken sandwich at Roots Cafe in Brooklyn. So good.

 One world, one unity! And an engaging dinner with my Arabic professor and his wife in Westchester.

Friday, May 25 - Day 345

 I made a new friend today. His name is Leander. I also got to hang out for real with his aunt, one of my bffs, Norah. It took us a few go-rounds to get the pictures right. I have been very blessed in my friendships!

 I'm so grateful to have visited old friends including Chris, Laura, Pam, Jahi and Emile tonight!





Saturday, May 26 - Day 346

 

This afternoon I went to the NMAI. It's a great museum and they had a fascinating exhibition on cultural artifacts so I nerded out a bit, which I always appreciate. Once I get my thoughts in order I'll post them over at SalonAnthro. 

Norah and I had dinner at Toby's Public House. Local, Brooklyn, wood-fired pizza - I savored every bite!

Sunday, May 27 - Day 347

 I've been hanging out with this little cutie, Turk, to help out Jailee and Niko. Adorable. Pets are the best!

 I don't even know where to start with this one! Queens is the most diverse city in the US. Proof is in the ...pudding. Or browni. I love the feeling of foreign ground - even if I'm still in the US!

Norah and I left Long Island City for Brooklyn, but first we stopped for a visit to MoMA's PS1. PS1 is one of the city's oldest contemporary art institutions, and cleverly housed in an old school (hence the PS, public school). I loved these beautiful, simple and elegant installations in the hallways/stairwells. Proof beauty can be anywhere.

I saw this great graffiti: no tengo $ pero tengo amor. If you have amor, aren't you really wealthy?

 We had a girl's night on Norah's patio - great to catch up with my girlfriends!

NY attitude - love it!

Monday, May 28 - Day 348
Today I'm grateful for safe travels to Seattle.

Day 336 - 341: Beauty, brunch, beginnings

Day 336 - Wednesday, May 16, 2012
I'm so glad to have an assistant. I'm also so glad she's not fulltime; the pressure of managing someone and ensuring that she's busy is a stress, even if her diligence and solid work ethic take so much off my plate.


Day 337 - Thursday, May 17, 2012

I choose to read this sentence as an imperative (where welcome is a command).

What if we welcomed grace and peace? Went out, expected it, greeted it with open arms?

 Day 338 - Friday, May 18, 2012

 Sometimes beauty is in the strangest places you never think to look - like under your feet at your favorite LA coffee shop.              

Loved spending Friday night dancing outdoors at Music Center in Downtown LA. Happy 80s night!



Day 339 - Saturday, May 19, 2012

Gay boyfriends are really better than straight boyfriends 90% of the time. Especially when they cook you amazing brunch and you get to eat it by their pool.

Also, life lessons learned from a first birthday party: enjoy your up to your elbows!


Day 340 - Sunday, May 20, 2012


 
Hey Jude, don't make it bad
Take a sad song and make it better
Remember to let her into your heart
Then you can start to make it better

Hey Jude, don't be afraid
You were made to go out and get her
The minute you let her under your skin
Then you begin to make it better

And anytime you feel the pain, hey Jude, refrain
Don't carry the world upon your shoulders
For well you know that it's a fool who plays it cool
By making his world a little colder
Na na na, na na, na na na na

Hey Jude, don't let me down
You have found her, now go and get her
Remember to let her into your heart
Then you can start to make it better

So let it out and let it in, hey Jude, begin ...

Day 341 - Monday, May 21
I thought he killed my hope, but he didn't. I can feel her, warm and budding, in my heart. For the first time in a long time. She wasn't gone. She just got a little shy after she lost the last battle.

Days 332 - 335: One foot in front of the other, up the mountain (literally and figuratively)

Day 332 - Saturday, May 12
I was so incredibly grateful to have a lazy day off and make brunch, eat it al fresco, let the cats frolic in the yard, and watch some tv. Rest and peace are so key and I find myself cherishing my solitude these days.

Day 333 - Sunday, May 13
Assorted photos from a Sunday: a salted chocolate macaroon followed by a sunny solo hike in Griffith Park.

 Encouragement once you reach the top of the Bronson Canyon trailhead and join the Hollywood sign trail - 

 View from the top

 A locked-up heart:

And a little danger just in case you were jamming out to your headphones and weren't paying attention. Yep, rattlesnake!

Day 334 - Monday, May 14
Becoming - I have been thinking a lot about this lately. I've been reflecting on how poorly I do this, actually.

See, I'm good at being good at things. I was an excellent student my whole life, to the point of ridiculousness. I've been a great employee in most of my jobs. I was on varsity swimming, in three honors societies in high school, took 9 AP classes, was in the Honors program in college, was a member of the Search Retreat steering committee, speak multiple languages (some fluently, some decent enough just to order food and get directions without being hustled), have always had some kind of job...and in fact, I usually impress people with the amount of stuff I do. I am good at being good at things and I'm accustomed to people recognizing me as a good, smart, accomplished person; and this crazy perfection quest has been a way for me to cover some deep-seated insecurities and loneliness. Inside my head, I thought: "Instead of accepting myself and my flaws and my strengths, I will be so amazing and perfect that everyone else will have to notice and recognize and be in awe." Kids, don't try this at home. It doesn't work, and you're left with the same emptiness you started out trying to cover up.

I'm not good at becoming. I'm not good at patience (although to be fair, I also disclose this at the beginning of most relationships, professional or personal, so I am at least good at warning you). I'm not good at those awkward growing phases, I'm not good with sitting and waiting for the transformation to occur. I want to just be there already - like that obnoxious kid in the car on the road trip who keeps asking, "Are we there yet?" I can't accept the journey; I always look for the destination. This year has been incredibly emotionally difficult for so many reasons: separating from a person I planned to marry because the relationship was dysfunctional, hurtful, and disrespectful; moving from a city and a job that were both an uphill battle but I still felt like a loser for leaving New York, like I "didn't make it" and had to leave; starting a job that represents everything I went to grad school to avoid; living alone - being alone ALL. THE. TIME. The solitude fluctuates between comforting and nourishing to crushingly overwhelming and black. Even this blog, to a degree, has been a way of upholding this image of myself I keep trying to portray - look how valiantly I'm handling something so ugly. Look how well I'm taking this. Look how evolved I am. (Like most things, the blog offers both blessings and curses depending on your perspective.) This year, it's been my sabbatical year from life, is how I keep thinking of it. Because I don't want to admit this year of becoming; it doesn't fit with the rest of the perfection image I keep trying to paint myself as. Because I don't want to admit that I made some mistakes - because I got myself into some bad situations in love and in money from which I'm struggling to extricate myself. I wonder most days if I'll ever be whole - I can't say, will I ever be whole again because I don't think I ever was whole to begin with (and that lack of wholeness and loneliness drove some of those poor decisions). But will I ever be whole in my heart and recover from this terrible thing that happened to me (but I also recognize that I allowed it to happen despite knowing better), and will I ever be in the black again? I feel like I keep wallowing in the red.

So that's why I have come clean to you, dear (five) readers. Because I need humility. And patience - with others, with myself, with life, with the journey. I lay this out because I need accountability and I need to stop pretending, and that means admitting that I'm barely holding it together or failing at holding it together, some days. I need the reminder to just stop, breathe, slow down, trust myself, and learn to listen to that internal rhythm...the rhythm that says, breathe, my love, and rest. In the morning, we get another shot at trying again, and another day on the journey.

To that end, I say: I'm grateful for the journey in its complexity, in its lessons, in its blackness, in its light. And on tomorrow's journey, I will look for some levity...


Day 335 - Tuesday May 15, 2012
Praise be! I got an assistant and she started today and I don't feel like I'm drowning anymore at work I feel like I can take a breath now can't you tell?

Also, here's to finally trying Tacos Leo and some delicious al pastor.

Days 329 - 331: the Art in/of Living

Day 329 - Wednesday May 9, 2012

A reminder to take life a little less seriously, a little more colorfully: an actual human skull, blinged out with turquoise and stones post-mortem.

Day 330 - Thursday, May 10, 2012
Here's to hope!

And to finally seeing Shadi Ghadirian's work in real life, after presenting on it at three academic conferences and blogging on how fascinating her work is.

Day 331 - Friday, May 11, 2012

 I was back at LACMA again today, this time to catch up with my friend Aurora at LACMA's Friday night happy hour in the Broad Contemporary Courtyard. 

Not a bad way to spend an evening.

Day 321 - 328, or, The Backlog

Day 321 - Tuesday May 1
I am thankful for sanctuary and moments of peace in the storm.

Day 322 - Wednesday, May 2
At least, whatever the other insecurities and changes about to rock my world, I know who I'll be living with next year and we share the same priorities. I am so thankful for this grace.

Day 323 - Thursday, May 3
Swimming 2000 yards in the sunshine at lunch.
I need the time to think.

Day 324 - Friday, May 4
This guy.

Day 325 - Saturday, May 5
The beach is pretty awesome. 

Day 326 - Sunday, May 6

I used up my Crate & Barrel gift card (from my credit card points) to upgrade some very needed kitchen tools. I paid a total of $6.90 for all this.

Day 327 - Monday, May 7
Productivity. When it happens, it rules!

Day 328 - Tuesday, May 8

Graduation season is good for one thing - lots of free lunches. Like ones at the fancy Hawaiian fusion place in Downtown.

Day 317 - 320: Decide what to be and go be it

Day 317 - Friday, April 27, 2012

“One can have no smaller or greater mastery than mastery of oneself.”
-Leonardo da Vinci

 

I feel finally, and for the first time, like I truly own myself.

I am so grateful for that.

Also, I feel deeply validated today: what you put out into the world, what you are open to - it finds you.


Day 318 - Saturday, April 28, 2012

 My friends Shane & Jesse surprised me with this gorgeous Le Creuset dutch oven. I'd be lusting after one, wanting to get one before my impending move to Chicago (where stews and soups will be critical for surviving the Midwest winters). It's such a beautiful piece, and adds to my existing Le Creuset hoard. Thank you, Shane & Jesse, for adding to my collection so that I will think fondly of you every time I use this, nourishing my body and my heart!

I have noted on this blog so many times how grateful I am for my community of friends. I'm so grateful I went to Seattle U. I am so grateful I have friends like I do: Berna & Becky, Alex & Stephen, Leslie, Norah, Shane & Jesse, Laura G, Katharine...technically I consider my sister and my cousin my friends too. I feel so blessed to have people who show up for me, consistently, and I take it as a mark of pride to have such incredible friendships. These are in fact my most cherished possessions.


Day 319 - Sunday, April 29, 2012

  Sometimes you just have to go where the wild things are. Truth is, it's a jungle out there. But the secret? You can just dance through it.

Day 320 - Monday, April 30, 2012

Amen.

If you're loved by someone, you're never rejected

Decide what to be and go be it

  -Avett Brothers, Head Full of Doubt