Friday, December 30, 2011
Day 199: Continuing on...
So I have decided to keep going with the Gratitude Project. I had promised to do this through the end of 2011, but I'd like to continue. First, because I appreciate the exercise of having to come up with something daily and to distill my experiences down in this way. Also, I recently had an interaction with someone who told me I should sit down and do ten minutes of 'real' gratitude every week, not "just" my blog - which really upset me. It felt like he was calling this blog and what it has done for me fake or somehow less valid, which I found tremendously insulting given the journey I have been on with gratitude over the past year. But I realized something - I enjoy this work, this exercise, and no one outside of me has any right (or reason!) to feel he knows what true gratitude looks like for me. I am grateful that this person helped me to own myself and this process. This is something I have only for myself, this project has been something I've done for myself, and I am secure in my place on this journey. And I know that it's not done yet. There's more to be grateful for.
Day 198: Life is blooming!
For Thursday, December 29
This morning I woke up in my own lovely bed, sandwiched by two fat kittens. There is a tree in my backyard that I had thought was grapefruit (which I don't like the taste of), and so I had been happy to see it bloom but thinking, who is going to eat all these grapefruits?
Well, I awoke this morning to discover, after a week away, that it is not a grapefruit tree.
I woke up early (jet lag, don't worry, it won't happen much longer!) and went out and picked two bagfuls of oranges. What a lovely way to wake up! Also if you live in LA, fair warning that you will likely get some oranges from me soon.
It was also a poignant lesson, though, too: sometimes things look like they're not going to turn out, but you have to give them time to grow and ripen and become what they are meant to be, without pushing them. And that what you sow, you will reap.
After a glorious long hike with a friend in Griffith Park, I went with my friends Vernon & Ashley to the Mr Brainwash art show, held in an abandoned industrial space off La Brea & Santa Monica. I liked the messages of the works, which are all playful and teasing or outright satirical about American consumer culture. Hence the show's location, that they didn't charge admission, and that they handed out free posters. This kind of art defies museology - everything is touchable, there are no guards, there is music - it's art, demystified, accessible.
But you see, life is beautiful. And it always finds a way to wend itself through the cracks and the wreckage to become something beautiful and lovely - if you can let it.
This morning I woke up in my own lovely bed, sandwiched by two fat kittens. There is a tree in my backyard that I had thought was grapefruit (which I don't like the taste of), and so I had been happy to see it bloom but thinking, who is going to eat all these grapefruits?
Well, I awoke this morning to discover, after a week away, that it is not a grapefruit tree.
I woke up early (jet lag, don't worry, it won't happen much longer!) and went out and picked two bagfuls of oranges. What a lovely way to wake up! Also if you live in LA, fair warning that you will likely get some oranges from me soon.
It was also a poignant lesson, though, too: sometimes things look like they're not going to turn out, but you have to give them time to grow and ripen and become what they are meant to be, without pushing them. And that what you sow, you will reap.
After a glorious long hike with a friend in Griffith Park, I went with my friends Vernon & Ashley to the Mr Brainwash art show, held in an abandoned industrial space off La Brea & Santa Monica. I liked the messages of the works, which are all playful and teasing or outright satirical about American consumer culture. Hence the show's location, that they didn't charge admission, and that they handed out free posters. This kind of art defies museology - everything is touchable, there are no guards, there is music - it's art, demystified, accessible.
But you see, life is beautiful. And it always finds a way to wend itself through the cracks and the wreckage to become something beautiful and lovely - if you can let it.
Tuesday, December 27, 2011
Days 194 - 197: Christmas
Day 194 – For Sunday, December 25
Merry Christmas! A day of giving, and one would hope, gratitude would be part of it. Every Christmas, my sister and I got (from Santa, no less!) a package of thank-you notes. Before we deposited the Christmas checks, we wrote the thank-you notes & dropped them in the mail. An important reminder to my adult self, from my childhood: be grateful in the moment, before you forget about your little blessings and mercies in everyday life.
I'm also thankful for spending a lovely Christmas with my Grandma & Grandpa H in Tampa!
Day 195 – For Monday, December 26
Our family went to see “We Bought a Zoo” today. It seemed to be something the whole family might be able to agree on (and had a G rating for minimizing awkward sex scene viewing in front of parents). It’s a very sweet movie, but then again I am routinely overwhelmed by sappy emotion (technical term: schmaltz) and break down in tears habitually at movies. Key takeaway: in life, often 20 seconds of crazy courage is all you really need. Twenty seconds of courage to do something will often get you into it, irrevocably, and you don’t have to be courageous after that – you just have to deal with the consequences.
My sister and I practiced this today. We had been making lots of jokes about Beef O’Brady’s, a restaurant (a chain!) we learned was near our hotel through Google Maps. The Beef O’Brady’s website boasted a signature cocktail called a “beef-a-rita.” Never one to back down from a challenge, Laura and I went and tried the beef-a-ritas. Who wouldn’t want to consume a liquor drink that included a kind of meat in its title?
Well, twenty seconds of courage was all we needed to order the drink. Unfortunately we then needed about five minutes of gut-solid courage to consume it as well. It did not, as we feared, come with a jerky swizzle stick but it was oddly – troublingly – reminiscent of day-old mop water. Bad tequila is the worst.
Cheers to insane courage and bravery, and hoping the consequences are more palatable than a beef-a-rita!
Day 196 – For Tuesday, December 27
I’m grateful for 2012, for the coming year. It’s not really a fresh start – I definitely have some debt and baggage from this year (student loans don’t give you a “fresh start”) but it certainly feels like one. I need a new year, I need this one behind me. A barrier, a buffer between what has happened and who and where I am now. I reread my journal from 2011 - I realized how lucky I am, how much I went through. I'm grateful it's behind me. I also realized I had been doing gratitude all year - but I just started putting it online, to give myself accountability, halfway through the year. But I have been practicing my gratitude all year, visibly or invisibly. I am grateful that I have people holding me accountable for this practice!
I was also startled to reread some of what I had written, but also gratified. I have been saying, "Berna has been such a good friend since I've been back." But in reality, I found in my journal notes of days we had talked or texted when I was still in New York. The truth is that Berna has stood next to me since the storm started in April, and so much had happened that my memories became blurry with pain. I am grateful to remember this, I am grateful for my friends, I am grateful for the passage of time and the beginning of healing.
Day 197 – For Wednesday, December 28
This morning, as we left my grandparents’ house, we sat outside. My grandmother looked up at the sky. “I forget how blue it gets. Isn’t it beautiful?” I am lucky to live in a place where I get blue skies every day. I should see them more.
Tonight I sleep in my own bed, after a week of metal springs grinding on my spine at the hotel. Small mercies are at times the most powerful.
Saturday, December 24, 2011
Friday, December 23, 2011
Day 191 & 192: German Food & Sunshine
For Thursday, December 22
German food. Nothing like a jagerschnitzel, spatzle, and salad with dill dressing. Oh yeah, follow that up with apfelstrudel and some Jagermeister and I'm pretty much in heaven. We had a delicious dinner with Gma & Gpa H.
For Friday, December 23
Doing a workout with my sister on the pool deck in the Florida sunshine and then jumping into a freezing cold pool afterwards!
German food. Nothing like a jagerschnitzel, spatzle, and salad with dill dressing. Oh yeah, follow that up with apfelstrudel and some Jagermeister and I'm pretty much in heaven. We had a delicious dinner with Gma & Gpa H.
For Friday, December 23
Doing a workout with my sister on the pool deck in the Florida sunshine and then jumping into a freezing cold pool afterwards!
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
Day 190: Safe travel
Today I am thankful for safe travels to Tampa to spend a final Christmas with my grandmother. Both Laura and I got here safely. And I am so grateful for my sister, with our nonverbal language and a lifetime of shared inside jokes.
And happy birthday, Emile! I appreciated our conversation last night and I wish you much success in this, your 29th year.
And happy birthday, Emile! I appreciated our conversation last night and I wish you much success in this, your 29th year.
Tuesday, December 20, 2011
Day 189: Tea-tie wisdom
An on-time post. What? Yes, dear (8) readers, I hoped to surprise you.
You probably can't make it out, but the tag at the end of my tea reads, "Love is to live for each other." I have been reflecting a lot on the nature of love, friendship, and relationships lately - and been thinking about my needs and how I communicate with those that I care about. In the past I haven't spoken up when things have bothered me, and so my anger and frustration (and often disillusionment) reached a boiling point, festering inside me, so that when I did express myself I did so poorly, often lashing out seemingly out of nowhere. I am trying to change this, by speaking up. Part of this means accepting that some people will opt out, and that's their right. I can't expect everyone to share my view of what love and friendship and relationships are about. And I agree that love is to live for each other. In one of these recent conversations, I came face-to-face with the stark reality of someone opting out. Which was hard, but good - I now know that person's expectation of friendship. But I don't share it.
I view friends as the people who are the family I choose, and I have a last-flight-out, doesn't-matter-what-time-middle-of-the-night-phone-call, just-show-up policy with my best friends. They know that I will be there for them, as I know they are there for me. I will stand behind them 100%, in whatever it is that they are trying to accomplish. This policy has never impeded on my life or career or ability to accomplish things - in fact, it is this deep nourishing and reciprocated love that has made it possible for me to accomplish my goals. I honestly believe there is no other way to live. And I am deeply grateful for the solid, good friends that I do have, who share my view - how lucky we are in life if we have a handful of these people to walk with us.
Love is to live for each other.
You probably can't make it out, but the tag at the end of my tea reads, "Love is to live for each other." I have been reflecting a lot on the nature of love, friendship, and relationships lately - and been thinking about my needs and how I communicate with those that I care about. In the past I haven't spoken up when things have bothered me, and so my anger and frustration (and often disillusionment) reached a boiling point, festering inside me, so that when I did express myself I did so poorly, often lashing out seemingly out of nowhere. I am trying to change this, by speaking up. Part of this means accepting that some people will opt out, and that's their right. I can't expect everyone to share my view of what love and friendship and relationships are about. And I agree that love is to live for each other. In one of these recent conversations, I came face-to-face with the stark reality of someone opting out. Which was hard, but good - I now know that person's expectation of friendship. But I don't share it.
I view friends as the people who are the family I choose, and I have a last-flight-out, doesn't-matter-what-time-middle-of-the-night-phone-call, just-show-up policy with my best friends. They know that I will be there for them, as I know they are there for me. I will stand behind them 100%, in whatever it is that they are trying to accomplish. This policy has never impeded on my life or career or ability to accomplish things - in fact, it is this deep nourishing and reciprocated love that has made it possible for me to accomplish my goals. I honestly believe there is no other way to live. And I am deeply grateful for the solid, good friends that I do have, who share my view - how lucky we are in life if we have a handful of these people to walk with us.
Love is to live for each other.
Monday, December 19, 2011
Days 186 - 188: New eyes
for Saturday, December 17 - Day 186
Today I had a lovely brunch with Shane and then we went to see Hugo. It's a very sweet film, about seeing life and magic through the eyes of a child. Or learning to see life that way again. It's quite beautiful, set in Paris, and celebrates the joy of creation, youth, and love. It reminded me to always look for the beauty, to celebrate and cherish the small things. Love always peeks through, somehow.
Update: 2/3 PhD applications submitted!
for Sunday, December 18 - Day 187
Six miles in Griffith Park again! My calves are thanking me (well, that's what we'll call it).
And, special bonus, I got to spend the evening with my favorite squeezables up in Pasadena. Triple bonus: my babysitting allowed the adorables' parents to go on a date. I am happy to support their love and their marriage in this way - this is a gift I can give them. Everyone wins!
for Monday, December 19 - Day 188
One more day in the (an?) office in 2011...this year might actually die after all. As I am finding happens often in the winter, the seed of next season's hope is already starting to push its way to the surface - where it will inevitably bloom. This year has been one of brutally hard but such necessary learning. My perception of the world, and myself, has inevitably shifted. Good things are growing. I might just be ready to bloom.
Today I had a lovely brunch with Shane and then we went to see Hugo. It's a very sweet film, about seeing life and magic through the eyes of a child. Or learning to see life that way again. It's quite beautiful, set in Paris, and celebrates the joy of creation, youth, and love. It reminded me to always look for the beauty, to celebrate and cherish the small things. Love always peeks through, somehow.
Update: 2/3 PhD applications submitted!
for Sunday, December 18 - Day 187
Six miles in Griffith Park again! My calves are thanking me (well, that's what we'll call it).
And, special bonus, I got to spend the evening with my favorite squeezables up in Pasadena. Triple bonus: my babysitting allowed the adorables' parents to go on a date. I am happy to support their love and their marriage in this way - this is a gift I can give them. Everyone wins!
for Monday, December 19 - Day 188
One more day in the (an?) office in 2011...this year might actually die after all. As I am finding happens often in the winter, the seed of next season's hope is already starting to push its way to the surface - where it will inevitably bloom. This year has been one of brutally hard but such necessary learning. My perception of the world, and myself, has inevitably shifted. Good things are growing. I might just be ready to bloom.
Friday, December 16, 2011
Days 183 - 185: Application Submission, Alex, Closure/Closings
for Wednesday, December 14 - Day 183
PhD application #1 (of 3), down.
for Thursday, December 15 - Day 184
Catching up with Alex. I have missed my friend! And dinner was pretty good, too.
for Friday, December 16 - Day 185
This is the last Friday I will be working in 2011.
I am so grateful this year is almost over, so grateful to have a job, so grateful to be - finally - on a good track. I have experienced some shifts lately that are so healthy, albeit mildly painful or embarrassing, but I am on such better emotional, mental and physical footing than I have been in a long time.
PhD application #1 (of 3), down.
for Thursday, December 15 - Day 184
Catching up with Alex. I have missed my friend! And dinner was pretty good, too.
for Friday, December 16 - Day 185
This is the last Friday I will be working in 2011.
I am so grateful this year is almost over, so grateful to have a job, so grateful to be - finally - on a good track. I have experienced some shifts lately that are so healthy, albeit mildly painful or embarrassing, but I am on such better emotional, mental and physical footing than I have been in a long time.
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
Days 179 - 182
I have been falling behind on this...I have no good excuses. It's not that I'm busy. It's that I'm ungrateful.
for Saturday, December 10
A six-mile hike in Griffith Park - all the way up to the Hollywood sign.
for Sunday, December 11
Brunch with babies Lucas & Nolan. And Berna, too.
for Monday, December 12
Feedback on my PhD application from someone I respect very much. And looking forward to this process being behind me soon!
for Tuesday, December 13
Swimming a mile, outside, at lunch!
Edit, 10:42p: 2 of 4 applications submitted! Should have the third in by Friday. Here we go again!
for Saturday, December 10
A six-mile hike in Griffith Park - all the way up to the Hollywood sign.
for Sunday, December 11
Brunch with babies Lucas & Nolan. And Berna, too.
for Monday, December 12
Feedback on my PhD application from someone I respect very much. And looking forward to this process being behind me soon!
for Tuesday, December 13
Swimming a mile, outside, at lunch!
Edit, 10:42p: 2 of 4 applications submitted! Should have the third in by Friday. Here we go again!
Saturday, December 10, 2011
Day 178: Productivity Mini-burst!
TGIF!
Today I am proud to have submitted one of my four graduate applications (again) this year. I am very close on the others.
This week has been a productive week, and for that, I'm thankful. It's good to check things off your list. Even though Bitty keeps doing his best to ruin anything I do on the computer by climbing all over my lap and my laptop, I have persevered.
Somehow, tomorrow, I have to turn my notes about my PhD statement from this:
into a coherent, 2 pager. Wish me luck!
Today I am proud to have submitted one of my four graduate applications (again) this year. I am very close on the others.
This week has been a productive week, and for that, I'm thankful. It's good to check things off your list. Even though Bitty keeps doing his best to ruin anything I do on the computer by climbing all over my lap and my laptop, I have persevered.
Somehow, tomorrow, I have to turn my notes about my PhD statement from this:
into a coherent, 2 pager. Wish me luck!
Thursday, December 8, 2011
Day 176 & 177
for Wednesday, December 7
Today I finally got around to swimming laps at the USC pool, something I'd been meaning to do. But I'm kind of a snob about sharing a lane, and there's always some guy who can't admit I'm faster than him and let me pass...in short, I always talk myself out of going.
But today I went. It's a gorgeous pool - it's huge, it's outdoor - I didn't have to share a lane, I got to swim in the middle of the day. Can't complain about that. Being in a body of water, outdoors, under the sky - that's pretty much heaven.
for Thursday, December 8
Tomorrow is Friday. Another week down.
Today I finally got around to swimming laps at the USC pool, something I'd been meaning to do. But I'm kind of a snob about sharing a lane, and there's always some guy who can't admit I'm faster than him and let me pass...in short, I always talk myself out of going.
But today I went. It's a gorgeous pool - it's huge, it's outdoor - I didn't have to share a lane, I got to swim in the middle of the day. Can't complain about that. Being in a body of water, outdoors, under the sky - that's pretty much heaven.
for Thursday, December 8
Tomorrow is Friday. Another week down.
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
Tuesday, December 6, 2011
Days 170-174: An East Coast Blur
for Thursday, December 1 - Day 170
After three months away, I'm grateful to have two days in New York City. I miss this place, I really do. Now that I'm removed from it, I can separate what was burdening me emotionally from NYC - and what burdens were coming from elsewhere. Now if only I can work on that kind of clarity for my life here, now...
for Friday, December 2 - Day 171
I'm grateful for happy hour at Miriam's with Norah, just like old times (old times meaning when I lived in Brooklyn!). I am grateful that our friendship is still as lovely and strong as it was! She is so important to me, and it was such a blessing to sit and share with her.
for Saturday, December 3 - Day 172
Brunch with awesome ladies Laura, Katharine & Aubrey! At Freeman's!
for Sunday, December 4 - Day 173
Today I'm grateful for barely making it to IAD in time, after my presentation at MESA - but I did. Phew. Exhausting. I arrived back in LA to discover that Lucas was here, and was able to meet him for a delicious dinner in Santa Monica.
for Monday, December 5 - Day 174
After being gone Wed-Sun for Thanksgiving, and then Thurs-Sun for the MESA conference, I am grateful to spend a low-key night at home doing laundry, tidying up, and just relaxing!
After three months away, I'm grateful to have two days in New York City. I miss this place, I really do. Now that I'm removed from it, I can separate what was burdening me emotionally from NYC - and what burdens were coming from elsewhere. Now if only I can work on that kind of clarity for my life here, now...
for Friday, December 2 - Day 171
I'm grateful for happy hour at Miriam's with Norah, just like old times (old times meaning when I lived in Brooklyn!). I am grateful that our friendship is still as lovely and strong as it was! She is so important to me, and it was such a blessing to sit and share with her.
for Saturday, December 3 - Day 172
Brunch with awesome ladies Laura, Katharine & Aubrey! At Freeman's!
for Sunday, December 4 - Day 173
Today I'm grateful for barely making it to IAD in time, after my presentation at MESA - but I did. Phew. Exhausting. I arrived back in LA to discover that Lucas was here, and was able to meet him for a delicious dinner in Santa Monica.
for Monday, December 5 - Day 174
After being gone Wed-Sun for Thanksgiving, and then Thurs-Sun for the MESA conference, I am grateful to spend a low-key night at home doing laundry, tidying up, and just relaxing!
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