Day 168 & 169

for Tuesday, Nov 29, 2011
I freshened up my look today - got a bang trim!


for Wednesday, Nov 30, 2011

My grandma comes home from the hospital today! I am excited and relieved that she'll be back at home.

Also, I'm grateful to have spent the (windy!) evening with Maegan getting manipedis.

Day 167: Sense & Sensibility

I watched Sense and Sensibility tonight. It makes me grateful for my sister.

"For whatsoever from one place doth fall,
Is with the tide unto an other brought:
For there is nothing lost, that may be found, if sought."
-Edmund Spenser

Days 162 - 166: Thanksgiving in New Mexico

My apologies for the tardiness. I was traveling!

For Wednesday, Nov 23 - Day 162
Today I'm grateful for a job that's very flexible, and for safe travel to Flagstaff. I'm also grateful for solo road trips after dark, where you can have as many sing-alongs as you like, with no one to judge your crazy facial expressions, music selection, or volume.

For Thursday, Thanksgiving, Nov 24 - Day 163
I'm grateful for safe travel from Flagstaff, AZ, to White Rock, NM. The sunrise in Flagstaff was gorgeous, cresting the snow-topped peaks in a rosy pink. I love the road into New Mexico: you go through these canyons, come out in front of the Bandera volcano, then through some winding canyons before coming across a plain and then all of a sudden, the Sandias appear out of nowhere, heart-stopping and huge in front of you. Take a left at the Sandias, drive til you hit the Sangres, then make a left to cross the valley and go up the 502 through the canyon, across the Rio Grande, up to the Jemez, to the house my grandmother built. I will never tire on this road, nor will the smell of juniper & pinon ever become old to me.

I am also grateful to have received emails from professors that encourage. And I'm grateful to be single for the holidays. It's crazy, but there's something about it that clarifies. I am beginning to see what happiness looks like for me. "Hope is the thing with feathers," said Emily Dickinson. Yes.

For Friday, Nov 25 - Day 164

Today I went to Bandelier. I have made so many pilgrimages here, and it never gets old. I climbed the Frijolito Ruins trail to look down into the canyon below. Trite, but true: you can see so much more, you understand the context, when you can get above it, look down on it, see the bigger picture.

The last time I was here, in September, Bandelier was closed due to the terrible Las Conchas fire and flood damage. I could see little sign of the fires, but did see the sweeping clods of earth relocated by the flood. But the trails were mostly open, and visitors were here again. The ruins are safe, undisturbed.

It's a reminder, no matter how devastating the fire, life begins anew.

For Saturday, Nov 26 - Day 165
My grandmother has done extensive work building out our family tree. She showed me all the way back to the 1500s, and I couldn't help but wonder at seeing all the names: what were the lives of these people like? She can trace us back to two passengers on the Mayflower, John Locke, Pretty Boy Floyd, Emily Dickinson & ee cummings (how perfect, two of my favorite poets!), a convicted witch executed in the Salem Witch Trials, and First Lady Mary Harrison. Our lives are all so little, and so intermingled. Best to tread with kindness.

For Sunday, Nov 27 - Day 166
907 miles, 13.5 hours. So grateful for good roads, clear skies, and sleeping in my own bed!

Day 161: the Picker-Uppers

I am really lucky to have people who answer cries for help: Berna, my sister, Laura G, Katharine, Norah...such wonderful, beautiful women who never tire of pointing toward the end of the tunnel, reminding me where light comes from.

I can see what I am doing now. It is a radical rescripting, more deeply radical than I had imagined. This move changes everything. It was the only chance I had of surviving, not the I that I was, but the I I am becoming.

Day 160: Love

For Monday, November 21


Love, it will not betray you
Dismay or enslave you, it will set you free
Be more like the man you were made to be
There is a design, an alignment, a cry
Of my heart to see,
The beauty of love as it was made to be

What does happiness look like? Can it be happiness if it doesn't involve real love?

Day 158 & 159: LA Museum Weekend

for Saturday, November 19





I'm grateful for a lovely day Saturday morning at LACMA with Shane (after a delightful breakfast at Black Cat Bakery.


for Sunday November 20
Today I went to the Geffen at MOCA with Emile to see the "Under the Big Black Sun" exhibition. I was particularly struck by a Jim Goldberg photo of Paul Wonner and his partner. Paul writes under the photo, "When we are young, we think people will change, but they become only what they are."

They become only what they are.

Day 157: The Tree of Life

This is a beautiful film, although I'd recommend being in an effusive mood and maybe having a couple drinks before starting it. It's not a plot film, it's about capturing the essence of life (easy peasy) and it's definitely an art film.

But it is breathtakingly beautiful.
From the film:
"Love is all around us, in the trees, in life. I dishonored it by not seeing its glory."

"The only way to be happy is to love. Otherwise your life will flash by. Do good to them. Wonder. Hope."

Day 155, 156: ERs and lightning bolts

For Wednesday, November 16
This morning I went to an ophthamologist appointment and ended up in the E.R. While this isn't quite how I expected my day to go, I was glad to be well taken care of, and so grateful that there are folks out there who aren't as woozy and weak-stomached as I am when it comes to medical things. Otherwise I'd be in serious trouble.

For Thursday, November 17
I am grateful for sudden bolts of realization and self-knowledge, even though they are difficult. I'd rather know and have the chance to change and rebuild than sit in ignorant darkness.

Day 154: Asking for Help

There's a popular saying that asking for help is a sign of strength.

I'm grateful that when I have asked for help, it has come willingly.

Day 152, 153: Retail therapy

for Sunday, November 13
Retail therapy is the best. When everything in your life is out of control, you might as well look put together. The worse I feel, the better I dress.


for Monday, November 14

Dining al fresco. In November. God bless California.

Day 151: Babysitting

I got to hang out with these two Saturday night!

Day 150: 11/11/11

I am grateful for life, and breath, and the reminder that each day is not a given. We must be grateful for every second we have, and to let those who are important to us know it while we have the chance.

Day 149: Quiet & Cute

for November 10

Tonight I went for a run in my neighborhood after work. It was great - the weather was mild, and I got to know my neighborhood a little better. It's very cute.

This week has been such a roller coaster: so many emotional ups & downs between myself, my friends and my family. And looking at the calendar, I realized I'm traveling for Thanksgiving, the following week, and the following week. I'm grateful to have quiet nights at home, where the most exciting event of the night is watching my cats stare down the lurking ginger cat who comes to sit on my patio.

Found wisdom

All, everything that I understand, I understand only because I love.
- Tolstoy

Day 147 & 148

for November 8
I'm grateful for the joy of doing something difficult and mentally challenging, but worth doing. It's a rare but distinct pleasure!

for November 9
Purple sunsets.

Day 146: Life Knows Better than Me

Today I realized that there is a reason why things happen the way they do. Life knows better than me. And I can learn from that, if I let myself.

I have got to learn to be patient. I have got to learn to restrain myself a little bit. I have got to tamp down my enthusiasm, just a smidge.

I remain eager, just trying not to look like it. I can't help but feel like I'm so close to breaking through in a few areas of my life...I feel so deeply alive, humming with anticipation. I'm ready, I'm ready, I'm ready.



"Where you invest your love, you invest your life."

I will keep investing my love, believing that when it's right, it will come to me, whether it is the career opportunity I've been building toward and working for for years or a person I could really be with or furthering the sustaining friendships and relationships with friends and family that have carried me to calmer seas.

I'm ready this time. I'm really really ready.

Day 145: The Beauty of the Rain

For Sunday, Nov 6

It was raining today when I woke up.

The best thing about the rain is that it passes, and when it's gone, the sky is gorgeous and clear in its wake. You just have to wait out the rain, know that it will pass.

Day 144: Hot Saturday Night Dates

I'm grateful for hot Saturday night dates, like the one I had tonight with this guy. He definitely knows how to boost my mood and make me feel special!

Day 142 & 143: Small fixes and big revelations

for Thursday, November 3

I'm grateful for small fixes - my kitchen faucet works, after all!

for Friday, November 4
I'm grateful for poetry that captures my sentiments exactly:

"I dwell in possibility."
-Emily Dickinson

This week has been a revealing one for me; I've come to a number of realizations and I am so thankful to be surrounded by great people that share my journey with me. I value this clarity so much.

Day 141: Life Attracts Life

photo by flikr user Capital I

from Paulo Coelho's The Alchemist

The following night, the boy appeared at the alchemist's tent with a horse. The alchemist was ready, and he mounted his own steed and placed the falcon on his left shoulder. He said to the boy, "Show me where there is life out in the desert. Only those who can see such signs of life are able to find treasure."
They began to ride out over the sands, with the moon lighting their way. I don't know if I'll be able to find life in the desert, the boy thought. I don't know the desert that well yet.
He wanted to say so to the alchemist, but he was afraid of the man. They reached the rocky place where the boy had seen the hawks in the sky, but now there was only silence and the wind.
"I don't know how to find life in the desert," the boy said. "I know that there is life here, but I don't know where to look."
"Life attracts life," the alchemist answered.
And then the boy understood. He loosened the reins...

I am grateful for finding life, for loosening the reins, and for the life - and light - that attracts life, bringing people together, for the emotional alchemy of turning nothing into something beautiful.

Day 140: Lehje Suri (Syrian Accent)

for Nov 1, 2011

Today I had one of my favorite delights - speaking to someone in Arabic, and seriously confusing them.

Anti arabi? Tahky arabi suria...keef? Anti min wayn...leh, wayn fa3lan?

"You? Blonde girl with blue eyes...speak Syrian Arabic? ...But...how? Where are you from? No, where are you really from?"

I love breaking apart people's preconceived notions; I love putting some unexpected texture into the world.

On that note, thoughts and prayers are with the Syrian people.

Day 139: Asian Meatballs with Shitake Mushrooms

Photo by the Sweet Beet

Nothing is more amazing than trying a recipe and discovering that it works.
The Sweet Beet's recipe for Asian meatballs with shitake mushrooms is delicious. I am grateful for the simple pleasure of clean, homecooked food.