Day 199: Continuing on...

So I have decided to keep going with the Gratitude Project. I had promised to do this through the end of 2011, but I'd like to continue. First, because I appreciate the exercise of having to come up with something daily and to distill my experiences down in this way. Also, I recently had an interaction with someone who told me I should sit down and do ten minutes of 'real' gratitude every week, not "just" my blog - which really upset me. It felt like he was calling this blog and what it has done for me fake or somehow less valid, which I found tremendously insulting given the journey I have been on with gratitude over the past year. But I realized something - I enjoy this work, this exercise, and no one outside of me has any right (or reason!) to feel he knows what true gratitude looks like for me. I am grateful that this person helped me to own myself and this process. This is something I have only for myself, this project has been something I've done for myself, and I am secure in my place on this journey. And I know that it's not done yet. There's more to be grateful for.

Day 198: Life is blooming!

For Thursday, December 29

This morning I woke up in my own lovely bed, sandwiched by two fat kittens. There is a tree in my backyard that I had thought was grapefruit (which I don't like the taste of), and so I had been happy to see it bloom but thinking, who is going to eat all these grapefruits?

Well, I awoke this morning to discover, after a week away, that it is not a grapefruit tree.



I woke up early (jet lag, don't worry, it won't happen much longer!) and went out and picked two bagfuls of oranges. What a lovely way to wake up! Also if you live in LA, fair warning that you will likely get some oranges from me soon.

It was also a poignant lesson, though, too: sometimes things look like they're not going to turn out, but you have to give them time to grow and ripen and become what they are meant to be, without pushing them. And that what you sow, you will reap.

After a glorious long hike with a friend in Griffith Park, I went with my friends Vernon & Ashley to the Mr Brainwash art show, held in an abandoned industrial space off La Brea & Santa Monica. I liked the messages of the works, which are all playful and teasing or outright satirical about American consumer culture. Hence the show's location, that they didn't charge admission, and that they handed out free posters. This kind of art defies museology - everything is touchable, there are no guards, there is music - it's art, demystified, accessible.



But you see, life is beautiful. And it always finds a way to wend itself through the cracks and the wreckage to become something beautiful and lovely - if you can let it.

Days 194 - 197: Christmas

Day 194 – For Sunday, December 25
Merry Christmas! A day of giving, and one would hope, gratitude would be part of it. Every Christmas, my sister and I got (from Santa, no less!) a package of thank-you notes. Before we deposited the Christmas checks, we wrote the thank-you notes & dropped them in the mail. An important reminder to my adult self, from my childhood: be grateful in the moment, before you forget about your little blessings and mercies in everyday life.
I'm also thankful for spending a lovely Christmas with my Grandma & Grandpa H in Tampa!



Day 195 – For Monday, December 26
Our family went to see “We Bought a Zoo” today. It seemed to be something the whole family might be able to agree on (and had a G rating for minimizing awkward sex scene viewing in front of parents). It’s a very sweet movie, but then again I am routinely overwhelmed by sappy emotion (technical term: schmaltz) and break down in tears habitually at movies. Key takeaway: in life, often 20 seconds of crazy courage is all you really need. Twenty seconds of courage to do something will often get you into it, irrevocably, and you don’t have to be courageous after that – you just have to deal with the consequences.
My sister and I practiced this today. We had been making lots of jokes about Beef O’Brady’s, a restaurant (a chain!) we learned was near our hotel through Google Maps. The Beef O’Brady’s website boasted a signature cocktail called a “beef-a-rita.” Never one to back down from a challenge, Laura and I went and tried the beef-a-ritas. Who wouldn’t want to consume a liquor drink that included a kind of meat in its title?


Well, twenty seconds of courage was all we needed to order the drink. Unfortunately we then needed about five minutes of gut-solid courage to consume it as well. It did not, as we feared, come with a jerky swizzle stick but it was oddly – troublingly – reminiscent of day-old mop water. Bad tequila is the worst.
Cheers to insane courage and bravery, and hoping the consequences are more palatable than a beef-a-rita!


Day 196 – For Tuesday, December 27
I’m grateful for 2012, for the coming year. It’s not really a fresh start – I definitely have some debt and baggage from this year (student loans don’t give you a “fresh start”) but it certainly feels like one. I need a new year, I need this one behind me. A barrier, a buffer between what has happened and who and where I am now. I reread my journal from 2011 - I realized how lucky I am, how much I went through. I'm grateful it's behind me. I also realized I had been doing gratitude all year - but I just started putting it online, to give myself accountability, halfway through the year. But I have been practicing my gratitude all year, visibly or invisibly. I am grateful that I have people holding me accountable for this practice!
I was also startled to reread some of what I had written, but also gratified. I have been saying, "Berna has been such a good friend since I've been back." But in reality, I found in my journal notes of days we had talked or texted when I was still in New York. The truth is that Berna has stood next to me since the storm started in April, and so much had happened that my memories became blurry with pain. I am grateful to remember this, I am grateful for my friends, I am grateful for the passage of time and the beginning of healing.


Day 197 – For Wednesday, December 28
This morning, as we left my grandparents’ house, we sat outside. My grandmother looked up at the sky. “I forget how blue it gets. Isn’t it beautiful?” I am lucky to live in a place where I get blue skies every day. I should see them more.
Tonight I sleep in my own bed, after a week of metal springs grinding on my spine at the hotel. Small mercies are at times the most powerful.

Day 193: It's a Wonderful Life

"Remember, no (wo)man is a failure who has friends."

Day 191 & 192: German Food & Sunshine

For Thursday, December 22

German food. Nothing like a jagerschnitzel, spatzle, and salad with dill dressing. Oh yeah, follow that up with apfelstrudel and some Jagermeister and I'm pretty much in heaven. We had a delicious dinner with Gma & Gpa H.

For Friday, December 23

Doing a workout with my sister on the pool deck in the Florida sunshine and then jumping into a freezing cold pool afterwards!

Day 190: Safe travel

Today I am thankful for safe travels to Tampa to spend a final Christmas with my grandmother. Both Laura and I got here safely. And I am so grateful for my sister, with our nonverbal language and a lifetime of shared inside jokes.

And happy birthday, Emile! I appreciated our conversation last night and I wish you much success in this, your 29th year.

Day 189: Tea-tie wisdom

An on-time post. What? Yes, dear (8) readers, I hoped to surprise you.



You probably can't make it out, but the tag at the end of my tea reads, "Love is to live for each other." I have been reflecting a lot on the nature of love, friendship, and relationships lately - and been thinking about my needs and how I communicate with those that I care about. In the past I haven't spoken up when things have bothered me, and so my anger and frustration (and often disillusionment) reached a boiling point, festering inside me, so that when I did express myself I did so poorly, often lashing out seemingly out of nowhere. I am trying to change this, by speaking up. Part of this means accepting that some people will opt out, and that's their right. I can't expect everyone to share my view of what love and friendship and relationships are about. And I agree that love is to live for each other. In one of these recent conversations, I came face-to-face with the stark reality of someone opting out. Which was hard, but good - I now know that person's expectation of friendship. But I don't share it.

I view friends as the people who are the family I choose, and I have a last-flight-out, doesn't-matter-what-time-middle-of-the-night-phone-call, just-show-up policy with my best friends. They know that I will be there for them, as I know they are there for me. I will stand behind them 100%, in whatever it is that they are trying to accomplish. This policy has never impeded on my life or career or ability to accomplish things - in fact, it is this deep nourishing and reciprocated love that has made it possible for me to accomplish my goals. I honestly believe there is no other way to live. And I am deeply grateful for the solid, good friends that I do have, who share my view - how lucky we are in life if we have a handful of these people to walk with us.

Love is to live for each other.

Days 186 - 188: New eyes

for Saturday, December 17 - Day 186
Today I had a lovely brunch with Shane and then we went to see Hugo. It's a very sweet film, about seeing life and magic through the eyes of a child. Or learning to see life that way again. It's quite beautiful, set in Paris, and celebrates the joy of creation, youth, and love. It reminded me to always look for the beauty, to celebrate and cherish the small things. Love always peeks through, somehow.

Update: 2/3 PhD applications submitted!


for Sunday, December 18 - Day 187
Six miles in Griffith Park again! My calves are thanking me (well, that's what we'll call it).

And, special bonus, I got to spend the evening with my favorite squeezables up in Pasadena. Triple bonus: my babysitting allowed the adorables' parents to go on a date. I am happy to support their love and their marriage in this way - this is a gift I can give them. Everyone wins!

for Monday, December 19 - Day 188
One more day in the (an?) office in 2011...this year might actually die after all. As I am finding happens often in the winter, the seed of next season's hope is already starting to push its way to the surface - where it will inevitably bloom. This year has been one of brutally hard but such necessary learning. My perception of the world, and myself, has inevitably shifted. Good things are growing. I might just be ready to bloom.

Days 183 - 185: Application Submission, Alex, Closure/Closings

for Wednesday, December 14 - Day 183
PhD application #1 (of 3), down.


for Thursday, December 15 - Day 184
Catching up with Alex. I have missed my friend! And dinner was pretty good, too.



for Friday, December 16 - Day 185
This is the last Friday I will be working in 2011.

I am so grateful this year is almost over, so grateful to have a job, so grateful to be - finally - on a good track. I have experienced some shifts lately that are so healthy, albeit mildly painful or embarrassing, but I am on such better emotional, mental and physical footing than I have been in a long time.

Days 179 - 182

I have been falling behind on this...I have no good excuses. It's not that I'm busy. It's that I'm ungrateful.

for Saturday, December 10
A six-mile hike in Griffith Park - all the way up to the Hollywood sign.

for Sunday, December 11
Brunch with babies Lucas & Nolan. And Berna, too.

for Monday, December 12
Feedback on my PhD application from someone I respect very much. And looking forward to this process being behind me soon!

for Tuesday, December 13
Swimming a mile, outside, at lunch!
Edit, 10:42p: 2 of 4 applications submitted! Should have the third in by Friday. Here we go again!

Day 178: Productivity Mini-burst!

TGIF!

Today I am proud to have submitted one of my four graduate applications (again) this year. I am very close on the others.

This week has been a productive week, and for that, I'm thankful. It's good to check things off your list. Even though Bitty keeps doing his best to ruin anything I do on the computer by climbing all over my lap and my laptop, I have persevered.

Somehow, tomorrow, I have to turn my notes about my PhD statement from this:

into a coherent, 2 pager. Wish me luck!

Day 176 & 177

for Wednesday, December 7

Today I finally got around to swimming laps at the USC pool, something I'd been meaning to do. But I'm kind of a snob about sharing a lane, and there's always some guy who can't admit I'm faster than him and let me pass...in short, I always talk myself out of going.

But today I went. It's a gorgeous pool - it's huge, it's outdoor - I didn't have to share a lane, I got to swim in the middle of the day. Can't complain about that. Being in a body of water, outdoors, under the sky - that's pretty much heaven.

for Thursday, December 8
Tomorrow is Friday. Another week down.

Day 175

At least my house is filled with beautiful things to look at.

Days 170-174: An East Coast Blur

for Thursday, December 1 - Day 170
After three months away, I'm grateful to have two days in New York City. I miss this place, I really do. Now that I'm removed from it, I can separate what was burdening me emotionally from NYC - and what burdens were coming from elsewhere. Now if only I can work on that kind of clarity for my life here, now...

for Friday, December 2 - Day 171

I'm grateful for happy hour at Miriam's with Norah, just like old times (old times meaning when I lived in Brooklyn!). I am grateful that our friendship is still as lovely and strong as it was! She is so important to me, and it was such a blessing to sit and share with her.

for Saturday, December 3 - Day 172

Brunch with awesome ladies Laura, Katharine & Aubrey! At Freeman's!


for Sunday, December 4 - Day 173
Today I'm grateful for barely making it to IAD in time, after my presentation at MESA - but I did. Phew. Exhausting. I arrived back in LA to discover that Lucas was here, and was able to meet him for a delicious dinner in Santa Monica.


for Monday, December 5 - Day 174
After being gone Wed-Sun for Thanksgiving, and then Thurs-Sun for the MESA conference, I am grateful to spend a low-key night at home doing laundry, tidying up, and just relaxing!

Day 168 & 169

for Tuesday, Nov 29, 2011
I freshened up my look today - got a bang trim!


for Wednesday, Nov 30, 2011

My grandma comes home from the hospital today! I am excited and relieved that she'll be back at home.

Also, I'm grateful to have spent the (windy!) evening with Maegan getting manipedis.

Day 167: Sense & Sensibility

I watched Sense and Sensibility tonight. It makes me grateful for my sister.

"For whatsoever from one place doth fall,
Is with the tide unto an other brought:
For there is nothing lost, that may be found, if sought."
-Edmund Spenser

Days 162 - 166: Thanksgiving in New Mexico

My apologies for the tardiness. I was traveling!

For Wednesday, Nov 23 - Day 162
Today I'm grateful for a job that's very flexible, and for safe travel to Flagstaff. I'm also grateful for solo road trips after dark, where you can have as many sing-alongs as you like, with no one to judge your crazy facial expressions, music selection, or volume.

For Thursday, Thanksgiving, Nov 24 - Day 163
I'm grateful for safe travel from Flagstaff, AZ, to White Rock, NM. The sunrise in Flagstaff was gorgeous, cresting the snow-topped peaks in a rosy pink. I love the road into New Mexico: you go through these canyons, come out in front of the Bandera volcano, then through some winding canyons before coming across a plain and then all of a sudden, the Sandias appear out of nowhere, heart-stopping and huge in front of you. Take a left at the Sandias, drive til you hit the Sangres, then make a left to cross the valley and go up the 502 through the canyon, across the Rio Grande, up to the Jemez, to the house my grandmother built. I will never tire on this road, nor will the smell of juniper & pinon ever become old to me.

I am also grateful to have received emails from professors that encourage. And I'm grateful to be single for the holidays. It's crazy, but there's something about it that clarifies. I am beginning to see what happiness looks like for me. "Hope is the thing with feathers," said Emily Dickinson. Yes.

For Friday, Nov 25 - Day 164

Today I went to Bandelier. I have made so many pilgrimages here, and it never gets old. I climbed the Frijolito Ruins trail to look down into the canyon below. Trite, but true: you can see so much more, you understand the context, when you can get above it, look down on it, see the bigger picture.

The last time I was here, in September, Bandelier was closed due to the terrible Las Conchas fire and flood damage. I could see little sign of the fires, but did see the sweeping clods of earth relocated by the flood. But the trails were mostly open, and visitors were here again. The ruins are safe, undisturbed.

It's a reminder, no matter how devastating the fire, life begins anew.

For Saturday, Nov 26 - Day 165
My grandmother has done extensive work building out our family tree. She showed me all the way back to the 1500s, and I couldn't help but wonder at seeing all the names: what were the lives of these people like? She can trace us back to two passengers on the Mayflower, John Locke, Pretty Boy Floyd, Emily Dickinson & ee cummings (how perfect, two of my favorite poets!), a convicted witch executed in the Salem Witch Trials, and First Lady Mary Harrison. Our lives are all so little, and so intermingled. Best to tread with kindness.

For Sunday, Nov 27 - Day 166
907 miles, 13.5 hours. So grateful for good roads, clear skies, and sleeping in my own bed!

Day 161: the Picker-Uppers

I am really lucky to have people who answer cries for help: Berna, my sister, Laura G, Katharine, Norah...such wonderful, beautiful women who never tire of pointing toward the end of the tunnel, reminding me where light comes from.

I can see what I am doing now. It is a radical rescripting, more deeply radical than I had imagined. This move changes everything. It was the only chance I had of surviving, not the I that I was, but the I I am becoming.

Day 160: Love

For Monday, November 21


Love, it will not betray you
Dismay or enslave you, it will set you free
Be more like the man you were made to be
There is a design, an alignment, a cry
Of my heart to see,
The beauty of love as it was made to be

What does happiness look like? Can it be happiness if it doesn't involve real love?

Day 158 & 159: LA Museum Weekend

for Saturday, November 19





I'm grateful for a lovely day Saturday morning at LACMA with Shane (after a delightful breakfast at Black Cat Bakery.


for Sunday November 20
Today I went to the Geffen at MOCA with Emile to see the "Under the Big Black Sun" exhibition. I was particularly struck by a Jim Goldberg photo of Paul Wonner and his partner. Paul writes under the photo, "When we are young, we think people will change, but they become only what they are."

They become only what they are.

Day 157: The Tree of Life

This is a beautiful film, although I'd recommend being in an effusive mood and maybe having a couple drinks before starting it. It's not a plot film, it's about capturing the essence of life (easy peasy) and it's definitely an art film.

But it is breathtakingly beautiful.
From the film:
"Love is all around us, in the trees, in life. I dishonored it by not seeing its glory."

"The only way to be happy is to love. Otherwise your life will flash by. Do good to them. Wonder. Hope."

Day 155, 156: ERs and lightning bolts

For Wednesday, November 16
This morning I went to an ophthamologist appointment and ended up in the E.R. While this isn't quite how I expected my day to go, I was glad to be well taken care of, and so grateful that there are folks out there who aren't as woozy and weak-stomached as I am when it comes to medical things. Otherwise I'd be in serious trouble.

For Thursday, November 17
I am grateful for sudden bolts of realization and self-knowledge, even though they are difficult. I'd rather know and have the chance to change and rebuild than sit in ignorant darkness.

Day 154: Asking for Help

There's a popular saying that asking for help is a sign of strength.

I'm grateful that when I have asked for help, it has come willingly.

Day 152, 153: Retail therapy

for Sunday, November 13
Retail therapy is the best. When everything in your life is out of control, you might as well look put together. The worse I feel, the better I dress.


for Monday, November 14

Dining al fresco. In November. God bless California.

Day 151: Babysitting

I got to hang out with these two Saturday night!

Day 150: 11/11/11

I am grateful for life, and breath, and the reminder that each day is not a given. We must be grateful for every second we have, and to let those who are important to us know it while we have the chance.

Day 149: Quiet & Cute

for November 10

Tonight I went for a run in my neighborhood after work. It was great - the weather was mild, and I got to know my neighborhood a little better. It's very cute.

This week has been such a roller coaster: so many emotional ups & downs between myself, my friends and my family. And looking at the calendar, I realized I'm traveling for Thanksgiving, the following week, and the following week. I'm grateful to have quiet nights at home, where the most exciting event of the night is watching my cats stare down the lurking ginger cat who comes to sit on my patio.

Found wisdom

All, everything that I understand, I understand only because I love.
- Tolstoy

Day 147 & 148

for November 8
I'm grateful for the joy of doing something difficult and mentally challenging, but worth doing. It's a rare but distinct pleasure!

for November 9
Purple sunsets.

Day 146: Life Knows Better than Me

Today I realized that there is a reason why things happen the way they do. Life knows better than me. And I can learn from that, if I let myself.

I have got to learn to be patient. I have got to learn to restrain myself a little bit. I have got to tamp down my enthusiasm, just a smidge.

I remain eager, just trying not to look like it. I can't help but feel like I'm so close to breaking through in a few areas of my life...I feel so deeply alive, humming with anticipation. I'm ready, I'm ready, I'm ready.



"Where you invest your love, you invest your life."

I will keep investing my love, believing that when it's right, it will come to me, whether it is the career opportunity I've been building toward and working for for years or a person I could really be with or furthering the sustaining friendships and relationships with friends and family that have carried me to calmer seas.

I'm ready this time. I'm really really ready.

Day 145: The Beauty of the Rain

For Sunday, Nov 6

It was raining today when I woke up.

The best thing about the rain is that it passes, and when it's gone, the sky is gorgeous and clear in its wake. You just have to wait out the rain, know that it will pass.

Day 144: Hot Saturday Night Dates

I'm grateful for hot Saturday night dates, like the one I had tonight with this guy. He definitely knows how to boost my mood and make me feel special!

Day 142 & 143: Small fixes and big revelations

for Thursday, November 3

I'm grateful for small fixes - my kitchen faucet works, after all!

for Friday, November 4
I'm grateful for poetry that captures my sentiments exactly:

"I dwell in possibility."
-Emily Dickinson

This week has been a revealing one for me; I've come to a number of realizations and I am so thankful to be surrounded by great people that share my journey with me. I value this clarity so much.

Day 141: Life Attracts Life

photo by flikr user Capital I

from Paulo Coelho's The Alchemist

The following night, the boy appeared at the alchemist's tent with a horse. The alchemist was ready, and he mounted his own steed and placed the falcon on his left shoulder. He said to the boy, "Show me where there is life out in the desert. Only those who can see such signs of life are able to find treasure."
They began to ride out over the sands, with the moon lighting their way. I don't know if I'll be able to find life in the desert, the boy thought. I don't know the desert that well yet.
He wanted to say so to the alchemist, but he was afraid of the man. They reached the rocky place where the boy had seen the hawks in the sky, but now there was only silence and the wind.
"I don't know how to find life in the desert," the boy said. "I know that there is life here, but I don't know where to look."
"Life attracts life," the alchemist answered.
And then the boy understood. He loosened the reins...

I am grateful for finding life, for loosening the reins, and for the life - and light - that attracts life, bringing people together, for the emotional alchemy of turning nothing into something beautiful.

Day 140: Lehje Suri (Syrian Accent)

for Nov 1, 2011

Today I had one of my favorite delights - speaking to someone in Arabic, and seriously confusing them.

Anti arabi? Tahky arabi suria...keef? Anti min wayn...leh, wayn fa3lan?

"You? Blonde girl with blue eyes...speak Syrian Arabic? ...But...how? Where are you from? No, where are you really from?"

I love breaking apart people's preconceived notions; I love putting some unexpected texture into the world.

On that note, thoughts and prayers are with the Syrian people.

Day 139: Asian Meatballs with Shitake Mushrooms

Photo by the Sweet Beet

Nothing is more amazing than trying a recipe and discovering that it works.
The Sweet Beet's recipe for Asian meatballs with shitake mushrooms is delicious. I am grateful for the simple pleasure of clean, homecooked food.

Day 137 & 138

for Saturday, October 29

I'm grateful for a great, if far-flung, group of friends from all sorts of places and experiences: high school in Germany, study abroad in Grenoble, college in Seattle, and the great friends those friends have brought to my life.

for Sunday, October 30



I am so profoundly grateful for my Grandma Frieda. She is one of the kindest people I've ever known. She is really really patient (and thus a role model for me, as patience doesn't come naturally to me), and she is always looking to the positive side of things, always reaching out with something funny or joyful or kind to encourage and let you know she's thinking of you & loves you. I don't know many people who love like she does, and the world is a better place because of her. I am so proud - and lucky - to be her granddaughter.

Day 136: Maegan

So grateful that Maegan ended up on the other side of a mini-divider desk at the Getty. Happy birthday, my beautiful, awesome friend.

Day 135: Vistas

I love seeing mountains, even if it's from the parking garage every morning when I get to work.



Dance studio off Pico, at night, from the outside. Dancers fly in a field of light.

Found wisdom

Day 134: Fennel

I love fennel (which is funny because I don't like anise or black licorice). I know, Berna, this, and beets, too? Yup.



I can personally recommend this recipe and also
this one from New York magazine, which I tried making tonight.



I didn't have walnuts, so I substituted almonds; I don't like parsley, so I didn't use that at all but to bring out the sweet taste from the walnuts I missed, I added a dash of cinnamon. Oh my god, delicious.

I'm grateful for experiments that turn out!

Day 133: Nostalgia for the Light

Tonight I went to a screening of the movie Nostalgia for the Light. It was really beautiful, exploring the relationship between astronomers searching for clues to the universe and people searching for clues of what happened to their loved ones, desparecidos during the reign of Pinochet, in the Atacama desert in Chile.

The film is a visual elegy, and I loved hearing the curling Chilean Spanish accent for an hour and a half. I love these fragments of beauty floating through the universe - they are there, when you seek them out.

Day 132: Research

I got completely wrapped up in my research for my MESA paper tonight. It was nice. It's been a while since I've read really intelligent, thoughtful papers and had to begin to think about constructing my own. It's a welcome diversion.

I also was reminded, "It's always darkest before the dawn. But the dawn is coming." And I had the flutter of knowledge in my gut that what I am doing for myself now is invaluable. And brave. And the difficult but right thing isn't the easy thing, most times.

This poem is by Macrina Wiederkehr (from Seasons of Your Heart) and it's called "Tourist or Pilgrim?" It came to me during my years with Search at Seattle U, and has never quite left me. This year has been a time of pilgrimages for me (italics mine).

"I stand on the edge of myself and wonder,
Where is home?
Oh, where is the place
where beauty will last?
When will I be safe?
And where?

...

Then suddenly, overpowering me
with the truth, a voice within me
gentles me, and says:

There is a power in you, a truth in you
that has not yet been tapped.
You are blinded
with a blindness that is deep
for you've not loved the pilgrim in you yet.

There is a road
that runs straight through your heart.
Walk on it.

To be a pilgrim means
to be on the move, slowly
to notice your luggage becoming lighter
to be seeking for treasures that do not rust
to be comfortable with your heart's questions
to be moving toward the holy ground of home
with empty hands and bare feet.

And yet, you cannot reach that home
until you've loved the pilgrim in you
One must be comfortable
with pilgrimhood
before one's feet can touch the homeland.

Do you want to go home?
There's a road that runs
straight through your heart.
Walk on it."

Day 129, 130, 131

Friday 10/21
Today I am grateful for having a stellar education. After visiting an academic event at a university, I realized how strong my graduate education was. It was without peer, and being around faulty normalizing arguments made me appreciate the sound and ethical nature of my education. I am glad to be well-trained.


Saturday 10/22

Today I am grateful for the discovery of Downton Abbey! This show is incredible - sharply observed commentary on the decline of the class system in pre-WW1 England.

Sunday 10/23


Bahman Jalali, Image of Imagination, 2003

I'm grateful for the opportunity to see an exhibition of contemporary Iranian photography today, called Persian Visions/Headbang, put on at CalPoly Pomona. One of my favorites was Sadegh Tirafkan's Persepolis, an installation of video and photography.

Day 128: Chinatown

This is starting to feel dishonest. I'm not sure how to keep posting things I'm grateful for, and when the point is to increase the gratitude and contentment I am feeling in my life, when I get to the end of the day and think, Great - now I have to post something. What can I post? This gratitude has become a chore, given the place I am in emotionally. It is not a good place. I hope you are never here.

I will keep posting because a) I said I would, and my word is my bond and b) I have this insane hope that the blog will work again, like it did when I first started posting, and c) I think it might be doing me good even if that good is invisible to me right now.

Each day this week, save Monday, I've arranged one thing per day to look forward to: Tuesday was the talk at the Hammer, Wednesday was my haircut, and today was getting some new clothes I ordered in the mail and having a first session with a new counselor. Yay Therapy Thursdays! The tradition continues. Let's just say, my new clothes fit very well (the counselor less so), and I'm excited to wear a new shirt to work tomorrow. It's been tough coming up with a professional wardrobe after being in grad school and then working at a nonprofit - I'm more than 3 years away from dressing like a professional anymore. So I'm glad to gain a few new pieces.



I also curled up with the movie Chinatown tonight - I'd never seen it. Wow - seeing LA in the late 30s (or, depicted that way circa 74) was incredible.

Day 127: Cutting the Surface

Sometimes it's important to change things up a bit, even if it's only your appearance. I have been feeling very frustrated with my lack of progress lately, but thanks to a lovely stylist in Silverlake, at least now I have a fresh haircut to make me feel a little different - even if it changes me only externally. Thanks Mike!

Day 126: Berna, Brad Cloepfil, & Bruno

I'm grateful for Berna today (as with most days).

I'm also grateful for trying new things, whether it's checking books out of the Doheny Library or going to a talk I really wanted to go to - even if I had to go alone because my friend stood me up.


Lobby of the Doheny Library

And I'm grateful to come home to Bruno, who helps me with my research project.




Oh. And Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.

Day 125: Within You

Los años de mi vida
yo caminé buscándolas.

(Neruda, Tus Manos)

I am grateful for beautiful words, whether sung out loud or reverberating in my heart in poetry.

Perhaps sometimes we must let go and find an answer within. Perhaps we have to stop running away from ourselves, from our truth, because in running away from it, we always run straight into it. Perhaps I had to learn what love was not before I could appreciate what real love is.

Camino buscándolo.

Day 122, 123 & 124

for Friday October 14, Saturday the 15, & Sunday the 16, 2011

As you might be able to tell from the lagging nature of my posting, I'm having a gratitude issue lately. For this I apologize, but I am really struggling. I am working hard, but not finding a lot of traction - in anything - and it's exceptionally frustrating and demotivating. This is when I need hope and gratitude the most, so I'll keep slogging through and wait for my heart to catch up with my head.

Friday 10/14
I'm thankful for food, and finding creative uses for it before it spoils! It's tough to cook for one, and I'm grateful for the stretch in creativity.

Saturday 10/15
Today my good friend Vernon took me to LACMA, on a behind-the-scenes tour for special donors of the installation of a new Michael Heizer sculpture, the Levitating Mass. LACMA CEO & Dia: Beacon founder Michael Govan led the tour, which was pretty exciting for me. It was great to see how the sculpture will be installed and put together, and to hear the backstory of how art pieces are created and constructed; I was grateful to be included.










Sunday 10/16
I'm grateful for a taste of home, discovered this weekend in Silverlake.

Day 121

I am grateful for the feeling that I can be who I want to be.

stills from Hamoun